Journals

1 . 25 . 2020

I think over the last couple of years I have managed to lose myself. I used to think I knew who exactly who I was and that was what made me different. Of course, what high schooler actually knows that. Now, at 19, I have found my calling. What I want to do for as long as the universe lets me. It is not about the material things, even though it probably should be. It's about me feeling free and like I belong. I guess that's always been my problem. Not feeling like I belong anywhere. When I take on someone else's' consciousness everything just feels easier. As though I'm drifting in the sea of their thoughts and the current is their instincts pulling me toward the land that is their mind. It might sound as though I'm crazy but it's true. This may sound like someone who has found themselves. I can guarantee you that I am just as lost and confused as anyone else. Being someone else even for a moment is the one of the only things that make sense.

The crazy thing is I have been told for years that my chosen path isn't practical and that nothing will ever come out of it. That I will never amount to anything. The crazier thing is that I believed these people. Friends and family who didn't believe in me and some probably still don't. But I wanted them to. I relied on them, their approval when I should have been trusting myself. I know that now. No matter how hard things get or how lost I feel I'll always have myself. I'll always believe in myself. Right now, I have an opportunity to do something amazing and empowering and life-altering and not at all practical. It would make me happy. I would be doing something I love and hardly anyone knows about it. I guess that's what makes me so nervous. It's that I'm attempting to put all of this trust and belief in myself, by myself, for myself. I am putting my faith in the universe. The universe that has dealt me a shitty hand but for some reason has placed such an opportunity in my lap. And I. . .I am more terrified and exhilarated than I have ever been. So, I'm putting this into the world, not to ask for someone else to believe in me but for myself. Something small to take back courage and to remind myself that I will always have at least one person that believes in me. A reminder that I am capable of great things.

I feel like Troy Bolton when he didn't know if he would be comfortable in the theatre. He discovered a love he never knew he wanted. Who knows maybe I will end up going to my Berkley.

If you have read this far, it's because I have said something you liked or needed to hear. You are now invested in my life so allow me to invest in yours.To anyone going through a tough time, maybe you don't believe in yourself and you feel as though you don't belong. Tough times pass. You will find your happy place of belonging and you will make it out of this dark place. And if you don't believe in yourself, I do. I believe in you. The universe is going to work things out in your favor. It doesn't have to be earth shattering or force you into an extravagant lifestyle. As long as you have people that care for you and you make an impact on them and you are happy then what does anything else matter. That's all I ever wanted someone to say to me whenever I have felt lost. I hope it reads well to anyone reading this and needs to hear it.

I believe in me. And I believe in you. Sending faith, trust and pixie dust into the universe for all of us.

With Love,

~E