Revelations and anguish

1

My little lover has been avoiding me. I didn't realize it at first. But as time wore on, I've kept 'practicing' till late night and then come home once I fall asleep and sleep on the couch instead of our bed. He leaves before I wake up in the morning. When he is around, he uses his assignments as an excuse to avoid me. He is a hard worker, so at first, I thought that's what he was doing. Till one day, I woke up in the middle of the night and saw him crying on the couch. I could see he was staring at his phone. I went in for a closer look, thanking all the deities that the back of the couch was towards the door of the bedroom.

Promotional photos and videos of the wru series were released a few weeks ago. The trailer was out too and gaining momentum. It was already a success. I was happy that my hard work is paying off. My baby Perth was happy too. I congratulated me when the trailer came. He was all smiles and even took me out for a celebratory dinner at one of our favorite spots. I was worried at first that he would be upset, but there were no signs of it. So, I let it be, thankful that I wouldn't have to deal with a tantrum in the middle of my tight schedule.

What I didn't expect was for him to be happy about my success and yet suffer in lonely silence. Seeing him now, watching the ZS moments fans have compiled, soft sobs escaping him in the dead of the night, biting his slender wrist to muffle the noise; I realized it would have been better if he threw a tantrum, because watching him in such misery was tearing me apart. It made me wonder how many times and for how long he has been like this, hiding his pain from me. He never slipped, never gave the slightest sign that it hurt him. Has he cried in my embrace once I fall asleep after making love to him? Why did I never see or hear? Why did I never notice? And most of all, why does he hide it? What is he afraid of? That I'll leave him? That I'll see him as the immature kid everyone says he is? That I'll stop loving him? How deep does his insecurities and fears go? I stared, frozen, as he bit a pillow, clutching his heart. I have curled up his small body around his heart as if trying to shield it from harm, as a fan-service clip of me and my screen partner feeding each other played on his phone. His body quaked with silent sobs, the force of it shaking the couch.

I do not know how long I stayed in the shadows watching my lover as he tortured himself. Eventually, I have stopped crying and stared blankly into space for a while. Checking the time on the phone he sat up on the couch and I took it as my cue to go back to bed. I closed my eyes pretending to sleep. I heard him come into the room, use the bathroom, change his clothes. He sat beside me on bed and I nearly held my breath in anticipation. I felt his warm breath on my face as he brought his face close to mine. I have laid a gentle kiss on my forehead, conveying a million words with just that kiss. My heart swelled with emotion. I touched the apples of my cheeks, stroking them softly.

"I love P'Saint na ...", he said in a soft voice. My heart cracked at his loving confession.

I felt his breath on my neck as he took a long whiff of my scent. Still caressing my cheeks, I've whispered brokenly, "I'm sorry if I'm holding you back from him na ..."

My heart shattered into a million pieces.

***

I sat up on bed as soon as he left, closing the front door softly behind him. I couldn't contain my tears anymore, so I let them spill out of my eyes. I hugged a pillow to my chest as I tried to wrap my head around what I saw tonight. I kept asking myself why I never realized. Was I that inattentive to my lover's well-being? Was I that bad a boyfriend? He was / is the love of my life, my most precious person along with my family, yet I have failed him in a most shameful manner. It's my responsibility to keep my beloved happy, to make sure he is well, yet I have failed spectacularly in that one fundamental loving duty. And thanks to my incompetence, my young lover was paying the price, suffering in utter loneliness.

I remembered every time he has been there for me, taking care of me, so well attuned to my thoughts and feelings, my wants and needs. He always took time to see to my well-being, never failing me once, being my strongest source of strength (other than my mom), my pillar of support. He was the one person I could rely on, for I knew he would drop everything to be by my side at a single word from me (not even mom would do that, trusting that I am big enough to take care of myself). He has already done so, many times. Whenever and however I needed him, he was there. The knowledge only served to make me feel worse at how big a letdown I have been by not taking care of my treasure. I don't know what to do to make the situation better, I don't know if it's even possible to make it better.

I stayed like that until dawn broke through the sky, wallowing in self-pity. When the sun was up, I called my mother. I sobbed out to her through the phone, telling her what a failure I have been, asking her what I could do to heal my little lover. I got ready for uni, dressing carefully. I had one goal in mind, talk to Perth's friends. Today was a uni day for me anyway, after lecs I had a shoot, but if Perth can find time for me, I can definitely do the same for him. I spoke to a few friends of mine about cornering his friends. I can't go up to them asking about Perth when they are around Perth. It's a uni day for him too after all.