The Scarred Neko

Chapter 5

I don't know when I had fallen asleep. I remember crying and crying and stuffing that hard pillow onto my face to stifle my painful screams.

The pain is still red hot, I feel it flash through my cold veins when my mind wanders to the painful things that are buried at the back of my consciousness.

Pain.

So much pain, again.

I've fallen again.

Lower than ever before.

I need to cut. I need release.

But how? This ward, you don't go out. You only stay in. They bring you food with no forks or spoons or anything.

I feel the tears again. My vision is blurry and if I blink I will cry again.

I didn't have to. The tears welled up and over my eyelids.

I rolled over and buried my face in my hands. Nobody understands. These nurses don't have a clue. These doctors are more mental than I am. No one else in this hospital was condemned here for self harm. Well, there was that one guy... The one who stared at me and made my face grow hot. I don't know why he's here..

My fingers aimlessly traced there way to the holes in my neck. Where are these from?

Maybe the doctors injected me twice and I just don't remember. I have no clue what happened and now,frankly, I don't care. I don't care about me. I don't care how I look. I don't care about anyone or anything else.

I want death. And death alone. I want him to kiss me and let me be happy that this hell of a life is over. I want it gone. No one would come to my funeral I have no relatives or friends.

That thought stings. I know no one loves me but it just hurts to know. I don't want help. I'm never going to get better. I don't even know what it's like to be outside and be myself. I don't know what's it like to be on my own.

I don't know what it's like to be happy.

Happiness.

Never there.

God.

There isn't one.

Hell.

I'm living in it and I want out.

I tossed and turned around on the thin mattress. I hate myself! I hate myself! I hate myself!