Inspector Rames

Chapter 64

I should have been relieved, but I wasn't. There was something very anxious in his eyes.

He came closer. When I didn't move, he took my hands. "I just want to love you and be with you for life, and sometimes I don't want to follow the traditional route. The wedding planning tires you out, and I don't want you to feel spread thin when we're investigating the murders of three people, too."

"Justice," I whispered. "You don't want me to make a mistake."

He hesitated. "Yes, that matters to me. But my concern for you matters more. That's what I'm trying to talk about."

"I'm fine." I smiled flatly. "This is just what weddings are like. Organising so much is stressful, but we'll enjoy it on the big day." It sounded like a plea even to my ears. Will we enjoy our big day, Alex?

"Yes, I am looking forward to that." He tightened his grip on my hands. "I am looking forward to marrying you. It's just... Will you come and sit down with me for a minute?"

Oh, shit. My heart tumbled into my boots as I followed him into the living room and we sat down together.

He looked into my eyes with more uncertainty than I'd ever seen him bear. "Do you remember our first investigation?"

"Of course." How could I ever forget it? Chemistry had simmered between us from the moment we'd met, and we'd spent the inquiry not knowing whether to fight it or give in. Alex had awoken something deep inside me that was more than sexual attraction. It was friendship; it was care; it was love. It was everything.

"Do you remember that song?"

"First comes murder, then comes marriage..."

"No, the real version." Amusement flickered in his gaze, then died again. "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage."

I tensed.

"We've never talked about having children," he said. "Everything happened so quickly...it always felt too late. After all, we're legally required to marry. Even if we don't agree on important things. Like children."

I stared at him.

"I know that it might have been a deal-breaker in different circumstances," he continued, "even though I love you. But I don't want children. I'm sorry." He took my hands again. "Say something, please. I'm not scared, I'm just not inclined to be a father... What is it?"

I was smiling.

"That's it?" My voice sounded strange. "That's what's really been between us? Fear of how the hell we're going to cope with starting a family?"

"Yes." His face began to clear. "Hang on, you mean...?"

I nodded. "I don't want children -- I just know that I don't. We are a family the way we are: me, you, Mitzy, and our work. And I like it like that."

"I was convinced you wouldn't. You may have this tough exterior, Amber Rames, but it's very easy to melt it."

"I deal with adults, that's why. I can be a sister, and a friend, and a girlfriend -- and a wife. But I can't see myself as a parent. I know it's a learning curve for everyone, but children just aren't right for some people. And I know that they're not right for me."

"I've been such an idiot." Alex drew me against him. "I wish we'd sat down and talked about it sooner. If I'd known you felt like that, I wouldn't have been so..."

"Grumpy?" I teased.

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. What's done is done." I wrapped my arms around him. "It's all worth it to know that you do really want to marry me."