JM *one shot* diary

diary entry 1

Dear diary,

“I love you” “I’m sorry” he says it all the time, through gritted teeth. Glaring at me with his ice cold eyes, I can tell I’m unwanted. They pretend to like me. Just for mothers sake, “he’s just a boy” she’ll plead “oh yes, our sweet little jimmy boy” he’ll always say back. They think I don’t know, think I’m too feeble to understand. But I know Charlie dossent like me; he’s around too often for my liking. Always taking mum upstairs making one excuse or another then we hear the loud thumps against the walls and the moans. It makes me sick. She’s married, to my daddy. But I haven’t seen daddy in ages. Months. Maybe years, mum lies, tells be he’s only here when I’m at school but I know he’s not. The house no longer smells of daddy. It smells or Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. He’s not nice to my sister either. Amelia, she’s two years older than me. Always looking out for me. Unlike mother. Mothers too busy with work, saying she always has to work over time so we can move away to England or she’s too busy at the pub, ‘washing away her sorrows’ as em says. Probably the latter. And if it’s not either of them then it’s Charlie. No time for jimmy anymore.

They’ll feed me little white lies, thinking there’s nothing wrong. Telling me they love me that they will protect me and take care of me. Ever since daddy went after that big argument with mummy the bullies have been getting worse. I get beat up every day at school for my height, for my ‘weird’ eyes and stutter. I have a stutter now as well, ever since Charlie wiped me for the first time. If I remember correctly he was drunk the first time, pulled out his belt and slapped it against my back, my wrist and my ankles. He made me bleed that night, I still have the scars. But he doesn’t only use his belt, he uses his knife. He tells me a story every time before he’s about to cut me, about the people he’s slain with that knife and that if one day I’m not careful ill meet the same fate. But now I’m too weak to even whimper when he comes near me. Unable to defend myself. Mum tries sometimes but then the wall bets a proper beating. And if em tries I think he’ll rape her. I think he might have done it before; sometimes he’s really nice to em. Lures her in. but then the next morning she’s muttering something under her breath, looking at her stomach and crying in a corner completely avoiding Charlie. I don’t understand where did daddy go?

I’m scared; I have nobody to talk to. Nobody to cry against. Apart from this book. This book is my life; I don’t even know why I keep it. It’s filled with smudged ink and smells of tears. Tears and blood. Em keeps on trying to run away, which is when I hear the moans more than twice a night... em isn’t herself either, she got a job down in the factory. Works all day and all night never coming home. I don’t blame her, when I’m old enough to get a job I will. Better than staying here, besides I’m quite smart. Cleverest in my class actually. But the teachers are getting worried, mummy tells me that I need to control my anger and stop hurting people. But I never realise until their blood stains my shirt and their mewling mess underneath me. Serves them right no one messes with James moriarty. Apart from the older kids and Charlie. But that dossent bother me too much. I can’t really feel it anymore. The pain, the fear. I just keep my head down and nod along, it’s the best way. I’ve figured it out, maybe if I’m lucky I will go to London like mummy says and I’ll get a life. A proper life, education, university. Maybe my life won’t be such a mess after all?

Within saying all that there is one boy. He’s tall, in my year. He’s got the most beutiful sandy blond hair I’ve ever seen and his grey eyes shine like crystals whenever we make eye contact. He started school a few months back, we’ve talked briefly but I’m to shy and I don’t want to hurt him. Don’t want to pile my life onto his, I mean he’s got to have it pretty bad. He’s here with his foster family; they live down the road from us. The millers, yet he still keeps his original name. Moran. But I can’t say his first name, my stutters to bad and I don’t want to make a fool. So whenever I need him I just call him, Moran. He seems nice and like I said before he’s tall. Could prove useful I just hope to god I’m not homosexual. If I am and he’s not. I’ll have a new punch buddy but if he is and something happens... ill... ill get killed. It’s illegal! They slaughter me and laugh. They always laugh before they hurt me... but things will get better. I feel it, it’ll come soon. Just watch me. Watch them, burn.

JM

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