Who you love

29. Squeeze my hand

“Son…”

I looked up and smiled when I saw my father approaching my seat. Mukhang kagagaling lang ni Papa sa trabaho. He was wearing his gray suit. Niluluwagan niya ang necktie niya habang matamang nakatingin sa akin. Hindi ko na namalayan ang oras. Ang natatandaan ko lang, dumating ako sa ospital kagabi ng alas ocho – matapos kong iyakan si Henrietta. I asked her to organize a prayer vigil for Nina. If that’s what the doctor said that Nina needs – I’ll make it happen for her. Kung kailangan niya ng sampung libong dasal sa araw-araw ibibigay ko basta gumising lang siya para sa mga anak namin – para sa akin.

“How are you?” Papa asked as he sits beside me. I was still holding that white rose I found inside the mausoleum yesterday. Wala pa akong napagsasabihan ng nangyari kahapon habang kausap ko si Mama. I wanted it to be a sign and I was praying so hard for it to be a sign. I wanted it to be my miracle.

“Still holding on – barely.” Nagpakawala ako ng isang mahabang buntong-hininga. Papa tapped my shoulder and he looked at the viewing window. We can see Nina from where we were sitting. Napabuntong-hininga na naman ako. Hindi ko na alam kung paano ko pa makakayanan ang mga bagay na nangayayri sa buhay ko ngayon. Is it bad to just have a happy ending? Iyong walang problema o komplikasyon – just a damn happy ending where everything is as bright as the rainbow in the skies. Ganoon lang – iyong walang pakaba kung anong mangyayari sa huli – walang takot, walang kahit na ano, basta masaya na lang bigla – na kapag nakilala mo ang taong para sa’yo, agad happily ever after na ang kasunod.

Hindi ba pwedeng maging ganoon na lang kasimple ang lahat?

“Pa…” Tawag ko sa kanya. He looked at me. I just kept on looking at the white rose. Katagaka-takang hanggang ngayon ay parang sariwa pa rin iyon samantalang maghapon ko nang hawak iyon. I sighed. I never had the chance and the guts to ask him this but because I’m experiencing the same situation – I wanted to ask him. Baka makabuti sa akin.

“How did you let go of her? Does it hurt? Well I know it does but how badly does it hurt for you, Pa? Do you miss her? How long did it take for you to finally accept the fact that she’s not coming back?”

Silence filled the room. Hinintay ko naming makasagot si Papa. Hinihintay ko dahil gusto kong malaman kung paano ako kapag nawala si Nina sa akin. Naisip ko na naman na hindi nga sigurp para sa akin ang pag-ibig. Loving isn’t really my calling. Siguro ay tatanda talaga ako nang ako lang – Artie will have her own life when she’s on the right age and if I get lucky and the baby inside Nina’s tummy will survive – he’ll have his own life too and I’ll end up just like Lukas Consunji – and right now I wanted to know how he is coping.

“Bakit?” Tumingin sa akin si Papa. “Iniisip mo ban a tulad ni Apollo ay mawawala sa’yo si Nina? Have you lost faith, Hermes?” He was asking me as if I was a criminal sitting in the middle of an interrogation.

“I never accepted the fact that Apollo is gone. In my head she was just in Italy – for a very long vacation. Babalik siya, magkikita kami and my heart will be once again cured. I never stopped missing your mom Hermes. Thirty-one years and still it’s not enough for me – for us. I still want another shot with her – if I die and if I’m given a chance to rearrange my life, I’ll set it on the day your mom is born and from there I’ll follow her, I’ll start life with her. Well start early so it will be different –a much better version of our lives together – a longer version of our forever.”

I bit my lower lip. Ngayon ko lang narinig na nagsalita si Papa nang ganito tungkol kay Mama. Damang-dama ko ang kirot sa bawat salitang binibitiwan niya. Napapaluha ako pero pilit kong pinipigil ang mga luhang iyon na lumabas. Ayokong maging mahina. Isa ito sa mga dahilan kung bakit pinipilit kong kalimutan ang pagmamahal noon – kung bakit iniaayawan ko ang lahat ng babaeng nagpapaalala sa akin kay Henrietta – I didn’t want to be vulnerable.