There's No Mathematics To Love And Loss

Chapter 21

The trio walk along happily, silent except for Matt's occasional squeal of glee, ecstatic to be outside with his two fathers, exploring the park. When the pond comes into view, the kid runs towards it excitedly, bouncing as he goes.

"Shall we stop here?" Mike asks as Matthew crouches down in front of the pond, poking at the murky water, laughing at the ducks swimming by. Mike sets himself down on the bench a few metres away, watching his son, love shining in his eyes. Harvey sits beside him, warmth permeating through to Mike, too close and somehow still not close enough. Mike knows that he's falling again, already has if he's completely honest with himself, and he's terrified of ruining things with Harvey once again.

"Thank you for bringing him here."

"Of course. I know how important it is. To both of you."

"Still, it couldn't have been easy for you coming back to the firm."

"It wasn't, but today's not about me."

Harvey's quiet as he loses himself to his thoughts, watching Matthew marching along the edge of the pond, pointing and laughing at the ducks. Mike lets himself relax beside him, focusing on his son and letting his mind fall clear of worry for just a few moments.

When Harvey finally breaks the silence it's whispered and unexpected, making Mike jump slightly in his seat, "I can't believe he's mine."

Mike laughs, "I assure you, he is."

"I know, but he's just... I love him. I don't feel like I'm worthy to call him mine."

Mike stares at Harvey, the other man still watching Matthew play, seemingly unaware of what he's just let slip out.

"Do you mean that?"

"What?" Harvey finally turns to lock eyes with Mike.

"That you love him."

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it, I don't just throw those words around carelessly. I can count on two hands the people I've said it to in my whole life."

The implication is frightening and Mike flashes back to the night Harvey had said those words to him. It's the first time they've even come close to discussing it and Mike heartbeat begins to race. Talking about it makes it real, talking about it means Mike risking his own feelings, that they somehow might slip forth and turn into corporeal. It's maddening, the way he's trying to hold everything in, how he's trying to hold himself together when Harvey's so intent at picking him apart at the seems and flinging his feelings everywhere. The thing that scares Mike the most is that he's not sure whether Harvey would trample all over them or pick them up carefully and cherish them for the rest of their lives.

Matthew's squeals as he runs back over towards them has both men shaking their heads and snapping back to reality, matching grins spreading across their faces as they watch their son happy and playful before them.

"Let's get back." Harvey says, standing and stretching and Mike's eyes linger at the pull of Harvey's muscles, "I'm sure there's a certain redhead who is anxious to meet our little trooper."

Donna meeting Matthew doesn't concern Mike at all, oddly enough. He's happy for it to happen, for the two to try and build some sort of relationship and doesn't find himself worried about how it will end up, how close they may become or how Matthew might get hurt in the future. Obviously he doesn't wish for such things to happen to his child but he honestly can't believe Donna would ever do such a thing, and thus he doesn't find himself panicking at the thought.