wading in the indefinite afternoons,
trying to escape through pages
while desperately clinging to reality.
yesterday, i drove two hours to see my favorite movie in theaters. again. there were families joined in the seats near me, their beautiful, choral cries synonymous with mine. although that day i was a family of one, that would do. i escape the theater, a new rush, to the bright city lights, old fashioned theater sign flashing, and the whirl of far snowflakes perusing my hair. i guffawed. genuinely. where had this loveliness sprung about? why on such a night, as i drove my two hour trek back, did the earth glimmer and my eyes shimmer in tears? i pretended to call someone, tell them about my mundane adventure turned life changing extravaganza, but i didn't know who would listen so i talked on and on in an empty car hoping that someone, even the ghosts in the back seat, were tuning in.
the next day i awoke. same bed. new dreary day. outside, the snow was not alive, but muted- ears ringing. bleached out. i spent my morning looking for my absent mind, aimless walking room to room and then forgetting why i was there. the air was dirty, so i took a shower, and tried to remove the grime and loneliness from under nails that i hadn't know was there.
nonetheless i was out the door, crunching on iced out pavements and tripping on my scarf. not sure if i was running to or from something. but as the train sang its song with the sag of its shoulders, all i could think to do was slump on the steps of the courthouse and wallow in its distant wail. i was so alone.
so there i ended up,
in the back of the bookstore,
reading the books i had no plan on purchasing.
alone among the tired eyes
and coffee driven lips, i read.
and perhaps that was enough.
