Lady Hyacinth Grimm vs the Nautilus

Chapter 1: In Which Hiccups are Cured

With her mother's scientific pedigree and her father's wealth, the Royal University was only too happy to admit Hyacinth. Despite failed classes and a rejected thesis, she persevered. She was certain that the madness was in her all along; she just needed a chance to prove it.

Six years of effort came down to this: the committee's response to her second thesis. Hyacinth stood in the center of the Grimsby Hall auditorium. It's two-story windows were completely covered by velvet drapes, so lanterns of odd-colored gas provided the only light. Hyacinth wore her most intellectual fall ensemble and a second pair of laboratory goggles for extra gravitas. In a semi-circle around her sat the Royal University's most prestigious professors and fellows, all masters in their respective disciplines, and half of them asleep.

The head of the committee, Doctor Thrikopolis, wore a metal mesh affixed to her scalp and a forbidding expression. A squirrel dug through the papers stacked in front of her. "Let me see if I have this right. Your lobotomy experiment was a complete medical success."

"Yes, doctor."

"The experimental subject survived the procedure with the full use of their faculties and without growing additional limbs. They did not transform into any type of hideous, mindless monster."

"That is correct."

Doctor Thrikopolis flipped through the thesis paper in front of her and continued, "In fact, according to their testimonial, the procedure made them feel ten years younger and cured their hiccups. Is all of this accurate, Lady Hyacinth?"

"Well, yes, but—"

Doctor Thrikopolis bellowed, "What kind of mad scientist are you?!"

This woke some of the older committee members, who looked around blearily before returning to their naps. Hyacinth's advisor, Professor Rumplewitt, hid his face in his mechanical hands.

"I tried very hard!" Hyacinth said. "Just look at my diagram. I added a moat of aetheric energy around the operating room for no logical reason. A minion even fell in!"

"Did it kill them?" Professor Barnaby asked. It was the first interest she had shown in the proceedings.

"Well, no. He said he felt a lasting sense of peace and harmony."

There was a moment of horrified silence.

The top-hatted Doctor Hanofer, professor of drama, asked, "Were you cackling so hard that you fell in and had to be revivified?" He looked doubtful, and Hyacinth knew why: she had been his student in Maniacal Laughter 101 and hadn't managed more than a crazed giggle.

"No, professor."

"But at least you laughed while performing the lobotomy."

"Well... no..."

"Taunted your subject with their helplessness? Declared yourself invincible?"

"I meant to, I really did, but performing the brain surgery was very distracting."

Professor Hanofer threw up all four of his hands in dismay. "Oh, woe is me. To have such a trial upon my soul as a student who cannot even deliver a simple villainous monologue!" He flopped on the table, a picture of despair.

Hyacinth looked to her advisor for guidance, but Professor Rumplewitt had now retreated completely under the table. Hyacinth started to suspect that she was not, in fact, going to be granted First Class ranking. She pouted and took deep breaths in preparation for a massive tantrum. She needed that first class ranking to shove in her mother's face.

Doctor Thrikopolis snapped her fingers and the squirrel retrieved another piece of paper for her. "This is the rejection of your first thesis. It reads: 'logical, comprehensible, likely to benefit the world, and accomplished successfully with no loss of life or danger thereof.'"