moments between moments

part thirty - do you still love me?

Heads up this is more of a typical story chapter, and may contain some heavy themes and if you are uncomfortable with lgbt topics I suggest you skip this one. Any and all feedback is welcome, I really want to give y'all my best writing and I am always looking to improve.

Enjoy!

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'Mum, Dad, can I talk to you?' My blood was thundering in my veins, flowing so swiftly that it felt that is I were to get so much as a paper cut, i would bleed out in seconds. My legs trembled and my breathing was ragged with nerves.
'Can it wait Sandra? We have to go. Your aunts party starts in half an hour!'
I winced at my mothers use of my old name. I had long since stopped responding to it in private circles and only my parents still called me by my deadname.
'It's kind of important. Dad?'
My father looked torn. 'Im sorry sweetheart, but your mothers right, we do have to go. Can we talk about it when we get back?'
I swallowed the lump in my throat.
'Sure. We'll talk later. Have a good time.'
'Bye Sandra.'

'Sandy! Breakfast is ready! Come down please!'
Dad was in the kitchen flipping pancakes.
'Where's mum?'
'She has to go pick up the car from where we parked it last night. She's be back soon. What did you want to say to us last night?'
I pulled out a chair and sat.
'Did you ever want a son, dad?'
'Well ... every man wants a son, but I'm happy with you sweetie.'
'Well, what if you did get a son? And that son ... used to be your daughter. Would you be ok with that?'

'... what are you saying sandy?'
My sweating hands shook with nerves and my I felt like I was going to vomit. I took a deep breath.
'I'm saying ... that maybe I might be a boy. No, I'm definitely a boy. I'm saying that I am your son.'
Dad was giving me his undivided attention now.
'Sandra, we are going to have to have a long talk when Mum gets home ok? Try and figure out what to do. I don't want to hear any more about this rubbish until she is here too.'

We ate in silence. Which every minute that passed my nerves doubled. I could barely force down my food. Finally, a car pulled into the driveway. Dad got up and started to clear the table, very carefully not making eye contact with me as he did so.

Mum came into the kitchen with bags of groceries, talking loudly on the phone. She stopped when she saw the looks on mine and dads faces. 'Sarah, can I call you back?' She put the phone on the table and dumped the bags in the kitchen.
'Honey, Sandra has something she needs to tell us.'

Dad still wouldn't look me in the eye. My stomach was churning, but at the same time it had dropped to my feet.
My palms were sweating and I couldn't seem to stop my hands from shaking.
"Sandra, what happened? What did you do?"
"Nothing mum."
The silence seemed to stretch into forever. The only sound was dad clattering the plates in the sink.

"Mum, did you ever want a son? Like, instead of a daughter?"
"Of course not honey, every mother wants a girl. Why?"
"What if you did have a son? Instead of a daughter? And that son was ... the same person as your daughter?"

Mums face went dark, as if a cloud had passed over the sun.
"Are you saying what i think you're trying to say Sandra? Because I have my opinions very well known about those disgusting rainbow freaks."

"I'm not a freak mum. I think I was supposed to be a boy."
"Go to your room. Quickly, before I change my mind. I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense."
Tears welled in my eyes, blurring the room and my parents thunderous faces.
My voice cracked.
"Do you still love me?"