rants, depressing talks, random stuff? yessir

my thoughts... part 1

january 13th, 2020 - late night talks 

sitting alone in your thoughts past midnight is always risky. having nobody to talk to is hard. what's even harder is having people to talk to but not having the words to express yourself and let them in. that's because you can barely understand what's happening inside your own head. you have this immense fight going on about absolutely anything and everything. having those people by your side that you know would talk to you if you asked but not being able to sucks. it leads to an even bigger conflict. if I can't talk about what's wrong is it even significant? if I can't form words because of how destroyed mentally I am does it even matter? having these thoughts daily has become a routine. having close friends ask me what's wrong when I didn't even realize I zoned out in my thoughts once again. having people I don't even talk to ask if im okay hits different. I used to be great at hiding my emotions, used to think I was invincible because I was able to hold everything in. now I realize it's because i had nothing going on back then. the little things I was sad about before are insignificant. 

blasting sad music to block out the sniffling and whining you make while trying to silently cry. staring at your ceiling when trying to doze off. thinking about stuff until you do end up passing out. or you could be doing what im doing now, writing out thoughts as they came, not really knowing if they make sense but saying fuck it because you're already so out of it. 

I don't know what started my little fit tonight. I was having a great night watching football with my dad having a great dinner talking to my friends and then it all snapped. just feeling out of it. out of my head, out of my mind but not crazy. I don't know how else to describe it. 

there's this line from a movie I've watched before, the edge of seventeen, where the main character states that sometimes she has these days where she feels like she's out of her body and just staring down on herself and doesn't like what she sees. and that hit a bit too close to home. this happened a few times as I was growing up. it wasn't necessarily the looking down and not liking what I saw but it was the feeling out of my body looking down at my body and seeing it live its life. I didn't even feel like I was controlling what I was doing just looking down as it was happening. my thoughts felt a bit too early for the actions happening and I was confused. feeling out of it like this doesn't happen often but when It does I can't control how I am. being so in your thoughts that you feel out of body is one of the worst feelings. 

having happy go lucky friends who never have anything wrong with their lives is shit. it always leads to the thought process that im only dragging them down and they'd be better off without me. I don't like making things about me which is why when they ask if im okay or if im good I go along with it and say yea im fine. if they question the im fine, I just emphasize that im not doing good but im not doing bad just to get them off my case. they don't understand what its like to be in my head. they don't understand the little things that I blow way out of proportion for no reason. 

but honestly I think ive figured it out. I play out these scenarios in my head and overthink the little things so when they happen it doesn't hurt as bad. I constantly have these thoughts and overthink everything so im in that constant pain. when these things happen for real, which they inevitably will, maybe they won't hurt as bad. 

but this could also be me trying to justify what im doing to myself and just convince myself that im in a healthy mental state. im not depressed, im not anxious, im living my best life, with just the wrong mindset. 

im so scared because of things that have happened in the past that I had no control over but im letting that affect me now and it's really messing up how I am. I know I can't control the past and can't change it and that im in charge of my future but its hard to get into that positive mindset. I've lost my positive attitude many years ago. 

 it's so weird knowing I can type this all out on this website with the intentions of no one ever reading this but the thought of my friends asking me what's wrong and me spilling to them terrifies me. I don't want to be questioned on why I think about these things because if im being honest I don't fucking know. if I knew I probably would've done something to stop it you know. 

hearing the phrases, it'll get better or it may seem tough but you'll get through it, are the worst. yes im aware it'll get better eventually and that ill get through it but in the moment its the worst thing to have happened and hearing those words don't help in the slightest. can't let them know that though. telling them that they've been no help and that if anything they made it worse isn't something I have the energy to be doing.  im already bombarding them with my issues and my drama that nobody cares about so im not going to tell them that them trying to help made it worse. 

loads of my friends question why I can't just be confident and believe in myself. they act as if I've got that fucking choice. of course if I could choose to be happy and not overthink and actually believe in myself and not put myself down every single time I would fucking choose that. but I can't, because its not a choice. I have to mentally better myself for that which isn't easy. im not confident about anything I do or put out there. not confident in the way I like, the things I say, the people I friend. nothing. 

im a very insecure person. can't change that. I've always been insecure about my weight, which is why im always wearing hoodies. I blend in with everyone else though who only wear hoodies to get out of wearing dress code, so nobody questions it.  you learn to brush off any concerns people have about you and just act as if its nothing. they soon enough learn that youre fine. Never doing really good but also not doing really bad just in that uncomfortable middle. 

my favorite thing about all of this is the fact that I clown on myself before other people do. this usually catches them off guard and leads to them either agreeing or just leaving me alone. I have so much stuff to say about myself and I've gotten really good at dragging myself down. doesn't hurt as much as it used to. but when somebody beats me to it? that shit hurts

I have this one friend, we'll call him Jake. Jake is a very judgmental and cold person but I love him anyways and not in that way, just as a friend. he's good at giving advice when you need it and is there when you need to talk but he's also very inconsiderate. he'll say stuff as a joke and tease me because that's how he is but sometimes I take it personally. I wouldn't admit that to him though. he already knows he holds some sort of power over me, don't need him to know how far that hold on me goes. I convince myself that if he said it, it has to be true and when I confront him about it, he keeps the joking going and im aware of that but that doesn't stop me from thinking and mulling over it for the next several weeks. 

anyways I think I've said enough for tonight, lots was said and I honestly didn't think I was capable of forming words to describe this. 

don't think anyone is ever going to read this, but if you do, I love you, don't turn into me, but if you do? write, talk to someone, do something to release this sadness, these thoughts, the anger, because honestly it does kind of help. 

- fucked up bitch <3