mistakes; where did i go wrong? ∘ chaekkura

mistakes; where did i go wrong?

She even made sure to give her time to go out with her friends. Motivated her when she felt down. Told her she didn't have to worry if she couldn't make it, she'd just go back home and they'd meet another time. Got her driver's license so she could go and pick her up since she knew she felt uncomfortable when the bus was too crowded.

Was she wrong all along?

Sakura's friends always told her they wished they could find a girlfriend that was as considerate as her. Were Hitomi and Nako lying to her, too?

Did they say it just to make her heart feel lighter?

Chaeyeon couldn't understand.

Were those three years of relationship a lie?

Did Sakura think of them as a mistake?

Pieces of her heart shattering at the mere thought she might do.

Nothing made sense anymore.

She was frustrated; why couldn't she find an answer?

She just needed a reason, something to focus on.

Something to blame herself for.

Sakura hadn't been fair.

"It's not you. It's me." What was that supposed to mean?

Was she expecting Chaeyeon to blame her? She couldn't do it.

She didn't have it in herself to hate her.

But she could hate herself. She just needed a reason to.

So why didn't Sakura give her any?
Why did she leave like that?

Wondering what she did wrong.

Was she too affectionate? Was it wrong of her to hug her before falling asleep? To kiss her forehead when she woke up? To hold her hand when they walked in the streets?

Was it too much? Or was Sakura expecting more from her?

Was that why she left her?

Could she have done more? To make her stay?

She didn't tell her to leave, but neither did she beg her to stay. She wanted to respect her decision.

Did Sakura think she wasn't fighting for them? That she had given up too easily?

Yet, her words were clear. Not difficult to grasp.

"I can't keep doing this. We have to break up. I can't be with you anymore." Was Chaeyeon supposed to make her change her mind?

Perhaps, she wouldn't be so miserable.
Perhaps, she wouldn't be crying now.

But why would she do that? If she did, Sakura would be the miserable one; she didn't want that.

She would never want her to go through what she was feeling.

It would hurt her. Too much.

Too much.

Maybe that was her mistake. She did too much.

Cared about her too much. Loved her too much. Depended on her too much.

Maybe she had asked her too much.

Maybe she was too blinded by love to see that Sakura was intimidated by it.
To see that she was rushing too much, while Sakura couldn't keep up.

Was it that then?

Did she finally find something to blame herself for? Something to invest all her thoughts on? All the negative, pessimistic feelings eating her alive?

Could she feel at peace now? Could she rest her body? Would her thoughts go away?

But they weren't going anywhere.

Why weren't they?

She opened her mouth to take a deep breath but choked on her sobs instead.

Why wasn't she free from all the pain? Why did it keep hurting?

She couldn't understand. It made no sense.

Why wasn't it making sense?

Why?

Why did she still long for Sakura's warmth? For her arms around her torso? For her head against her shoulder? For her breath on her neck? For her lips against hers? For her love?
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Was this what heartbreak felt like? A bottomless pit of misery, remorse, and suffering swallowing what was left of her aching soul? Was she going to feel like this for the rest of her life?

It sure felt like she would.

Was it even worth it to call it life then? To have no strength to get out of bed? To eat, or drink?

Was it even worth it to call it life if she couldn't close her eyes without nightmares haunting her? Nightmares that kept coming even though she was not asleep? Even though she was wide awake, memories replaying in her head?

Where did the memories stop? Where did the nightmares start?

Was she doomed? Was this the result of the universe turning against her? But why would it?

Why did it feel like the universe despised her? Was that why Sakura left?

Was the universe punishing her for something?

What mistakes could she have done to be in such a terrible predicament?

Where did she go wrong?

It was the fourth night in which Chaeyeon did not get any sleep at all. And it scared her to death to think of how many would follow.