One Shots

Kaz x Matthias

My Therapist Told Me To Talk About My Feelings

1/4/20

I'm not going to write about anything important really. I just don't want to do this, but then again I never really want to do anything. I don't see the importance of being able to talk to someone.  I know that Inej has gotten better since she talked to someone, but I'm not like her. Or anyone else really, maybe, I'll open up, but it's unlikely. I just don't talk to people other than the people I trust. But that trust is fragile.

1/19/20

Okay, so I haven't been writing because of a job my friend Spencer got in. He is smart, like, really smart. He works with the Stadwatch sometimes, but I don't care. He and I went to the same high school. A lot of things happened there that were bad. I can feel my body tense up whenever I think about it. Today in therapy I overheard my therapist telling the other therapists that I'm broken, far more broken than anyone else. I had a panic attack in my room because well aren't they supposed to believe in you no matter what? It hurts so much. And I can't tell anyone else since they would believe it. Help me, please. 

1/23/20

I have feelings for one of my friends and he is really kind and he's angelic while he calls me a demjin or demon. It's like a pet name for someone you hate. And I just love him somehow. Today I also saw my dead brother when I was pulled aside by Per Haskell and a few of the bruisers. The name is literal.  I'm sure I have a broken rib, but I don't think I can feel pain anymore. Anyways my brother smirked and mouthed "go to hell you bitch" it hurt so much more than the many physical wounds. I won't be able to write for a few weeks since I have to go break into the ice court with people who hate me.

2/17/20

They hate me. 

2/19/20

They left me.

2/21/20

Why did they leave? They said that we would all stick together. Though now I realize they meant each other, not me. It hurts because the only person I've ever met who made me feel lightheaded and happy when they were around got married to someone else. I wasn't allowed to the wedding and I know why. They hate me. I cried for 5 hours after that and I lost weight. My therapist died. So I don't have to keep updating this. But I feel compelled to since no one else can read it. So I think I will continue writing here.

2/27/20

It's my birthday and nobody knows it hurts but I don't care. No one ever really knew. And I'm turning 17 contrary to belief I do have a birthday. My hands are normal. It's the rope burns and scars that were caused by the rope that scares me.  I mean no one knows that I'm technically a slave. So I'm fine. Obviously. 

3/1/20

I miss them. I wish they could see the progress I've made, it's probably the fact that I hate being touched that they hated me, but I can hug people and have someone pat me on the back. I wish that I wasn't alone.

3/3/20

I'm going to die today, I can feel it. Everyone is glaring at me and they stare for so long. I want to puke my guts out. I had become ill the other day and I could barely move.  The dregs know that. I'm going to die without seeing the angel that I love oh so much. It hurts. But I know better than to scream when it starts.

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Kaz started the broken window in his room. He didn't even turn his head when his door opened and Snapper walked in with a rope in his hands. Kaz blinked the few tears he had ever shed away as Snapper wrapped the rope around his skinny pale neck. Snapper tightened the rope until all Kaz saw was darkness. He barely choked and Snapper almost finished him off but let go as soon as Kaz passed out. 

Kaz fell out of his chair, his limp body prone. But his body never hit the floor. He was caught mid-fall by, strong arms and arms that he remembered as the one who had pulled him out of the frigid cold water at the ice court. The angel had come to save him again. 

"Thank you mister angel." It was quiet, barely heard over the ragged breaths he was taking. Matthias smiled down gently, not the smile he had reserved for a demjin but a smile that radiated light. Light meant to bring people out of the darkness that had surrounded the small criminal in his arms.

"Rest Kaz." Kaz knew in that moment he had died. Again he thought sadly. He died again. Matthias never called Kaz by his name. Silent tears flowed down Kaz's face as he tried to bring himself out of his twisted mind. 

"No, you aren't The Angel." It was barely heard but as soon as it had graced Matthias' ears he sighed and gently put Kaz down on his bed, and left the sobbing boy all alone. Again. Matthias sighed again as he looked at Kaz's small form on the bed curled up in a fetal position just asking to be taken away from this nightmare. 

Matthias walked over to the seat of Kaz's desk and picked up the small black notebook. As he looked at the neat handwriting in the book he silently wished that all of them had stayed with Kaz. Or someone would have checked in with him to make sure he was okay. 

The blood on the pages told him all he needed to know. The little boy on the bed was hurting himself. Blaming himself for everything that had happened. Thinking he wasn't needed. 

Nina had left him so it wouldn't be a bother to anyone if stayed with the little demjin. Matthias put the book down and walked over to the small bed. He softly petted Kaz's head. And he whispered quietly.

"I won't leave you alone anymore."