existentialism is a difficult subject to explain using mere words. but i would like the world to be aware of a smidgen of what goes inside my head, because these thoughts are not meant for the faint of heart. they consume me at every waking moment, shrouding my mind in a veil of darkness, shifting me closer and closer to an abyss; one i cannot escape from.
existentialism (/ˌeɡzəˈsten(t)SHəˌlizəm/) - n. a philosophy that emphasizes individual existence, freedom and choice. it is the view that humans define their own meaning in life, and try to make rational decisions despite existing in an irrational universe.
i have something unfortunate to share.
i cannot give myself the name of an existentialist.
because i have not defined my own meaning of life. i have not yet discovered what my sole purpose of living, of my existence.
i suffer from a condition only known as existential depression. you may have heard of an existential crisis before. it is where an individual questions their core beliefs or value, or whether not there is a purpose or meaning to their existence. existential depression is a series of existential crises, where one usually occurs simultaneously after another.
existential depression occurs in what psychologists label as "gifted and talented individuals". i don't exactly understand what this means. does this mean that i am a gifted and talented individual because i question my existence on a regular basis?
i am thirteen years old, and yet i've suffered for over a year now. i live in a community where people aren't necessarily aware, and i am not sure whether or not that i feel it is good or not. but what i do know is that i refuse to bear these thoughts alone.
i believe that there is no inherent or built-in purpose to life. that every moral or belief or value that has been taught from those blissful times back in elementary school where you conformed to society's principle without questioning it once. (ignorance is bliss, after all.)
those lies were beautiful. those lies tainted the population's minds, their harsh and critical words reverberating throughout your bare skull like that bright and round and red-coloured ball that you bounced on the pavement of your sidewalk again and again and again. lies, most of all, that have the potential to be true.
but they will never be your morals or beliefs or values to cherish. they have never been fabricated from that vast and creative mind of yours. they are not you.
this is just to give an inkling of my thoughts at two o'clock in the morning.
enjoy.
p.s.
for those of you are not familiar with nihilism, here's a definition for y'all.
nihilism (/ˈnīəˌlizəm,ˈnēəˌlizəm/) - n. the rejection of all religious and moral principles, in the belief that life is meaningless.
oh, i almost forgot something.
my name is sohani.
