Olivia's Crazy Life - An SVU parody fic

Dumping Dickie

"I cheated. I'm in love with her, but I'm REAL sorry."

"okay…"

"Her name's Lila, I met her at a whore house. I recorded it" he said, whipping out his phone. "it was kinda dark so the video isn't very good but the audio is great, you wanna listen while she blows me?"

"No Dickie…no, that won't be necessary. I was actually gonna tell you the same thing." She said, relieved.

"that you're in love with Lila?"

"What? No, Dickie, that there's someone else."

"Someone else is in love with Lila?! But I paid her first!"

"DICKIE, no one is talking about Lila! 'I' am in love with someone else, me!"

"you're in love with yourself?"

Okay, Dickie, focus!" Olivia said as she rubbed her temples. She suddenly had a headache. "You…and me, we're breaking up. It's over."

"You're leaving me?" he cried, obviously very distraught!"

"No, you're leaving me. This is MY house so, you know…"

"But…I love you!"

"I know baby."

"You're the best sex I ever had!" he cried as he wiped at his tears and the snot that was now dripping from his nose.

"I know, baby."

"So, why are you taking it away?" he was now beside himself with grief and on his knees in front of her. "Please don't take miss kitty away! Please, please don't take her away!" he begged. Olivia just stood there looking down at him.

"Dickie, get the fuck up!"

He got to his feet still sniffling. "Why?"

"You just told me that a hooker blew you and you're in love with her!"

"yeah, well you said you're in love with someone else too! I wanna know who it is!"

"That's not important."

"It was important enough for you to wanna take miss kitty away!"

"WILL YOU STOP with the miss kitty? God! How the hell did I do this for 2 years?"

"tell me Olivia!"

"Just let it go!" she warned just as her phone rang. "Hold on a sec." she said to Dickie before answering. "Hi baby! I'm cleaning up the dinner dishes so I'm gonna put you on speaker." She turned on the speaker and sat the phone down as she went about clearing the table."

"He gone yet?" Elliot asked as Dickie stood there, listening.

"Not yet." She replied as she continued picking up dishes and carrying them to the sink. He's not taking the news very well."

"Hi Daddy!" Dickie interjected. Elliot sighed.

"Hey son!" he replied before turning his attention back to Olivia. "He always was an idiot! Hey, you're not still fucking him are you?"

"are you kidding me?"

"I know. It's just…the thought of him touching you…I can't handle it, Liv!"

"Elliot Otis Tyrone Joseph Stabler, you are the only man who will ever touch me again! I gotta go. I have to make sure Dickie gets all his stuff."

"Okay babe. Call me as soon as he leaves. I'll be right over, I love you."

"I love you more!" she cooed before ending the call. Dickie stood there dumbfounded.

"Alright Olivia, you're off the phone, now I wanna know who you're seeing, you tell me right now!" Dickie demanded. Olivia just stood there, looking at him in total disbelief.

"umm…your father…"

"Yeah, I miss him too. Now who are you screwing behind my back?" Olivia let out a deep breath.

"Dickie…why don't you just go upstairs and pack while I call you a cab?"

"Fine! But I'm taking my X-Box!" he screamed and ran upstairs, slamming the bedroom door.

"What the HELL did I say about slamming doors?!" she yelled. Little Kathy walked into the kitchen. "Hey baby, you done watching TV?"

"Is Dickie mad again?"

"Yes, but Dickie's gonna be leaving." Olivia explained.

"Good. Now he can't eat my gummi bears!" Kathy stated matter-of-factly. Olivia smiled as she hugged the little girl tight to her.

An hour later, Dickie kicked two huge duffel bags down the stairs. They made a loud thud when they hit the landing. Olivia stood there, calmly sipping tea as she leaned against the banister.

"That everything?" she asked as he made his way down the stairs.

"yep"

"Dickie, for what it's worth, I wish that things could have been different."

"Me too, Liv." He said and gently caressed her face before pulling her into an embrace. She sighed and allowed her body to relax into his."

"Oh, I almost forgot" she said, pulling away from the hug and picking up papers from the small table in the foyer. "I need your signature." She said as she handed him the papers.

"What is it?"

"Annulment papers." She answered and handed him a pen.

"Annulment? Wait, I don't get alimony?"

'Dickie!'

"I'm kidding!" he quickly signed the papers and handed them back to Olivia. "I guess that's it, huh?."

"Yeah, I guess. Take care of yourself!" she said, almost in a whisper.

'I will Liv." He promised. "Hey, you think you, me and miss kitty could-"

"Not gonna happen!" she cut him off.

"Can't blame a guy for trying!" he laughed and picked up his bags, heading for the door then stopping to turn around. "Oh, and for what it's worth, when I find out who you've been screwing, I'm gonna kill you both like dogs!" he said, smiling innocently and kissed her on the cheek. "K, bye!"

Olivia stood there speechless and quickly moved to lock the door then picked up her cell phone to call Elliot.