My Record Store Romance

He Was Looking Right Through Me

But, I had to do something.

I had to make Drew realize that the broken heart beneath his rib cage grew flowers from its cracks rather than weeds, that the monsters he held inside of him were not something he had become, that the light he no longer saw in his eyes had never really left him- I had to make him realize that he was loved. 

That he was loved, above all, by me.

When I spoke up again, my voice had not yet been pieced back together. I was ragged and unstable, weak and quivering, my mind plagued with images of Drew's suffering. It was enough to send me over the edge, and I had to choke back a sob, because this was no time for crying, at least not on my part. Not anymore. "Drew," I whispered, "Drew, please look at me."

He was only a foot or two away from where I sat, legs crossed, and yet, as I reached out to place my hands atop the ones he had placed back in front of his eyes, he could have been worlds away.

I wrapped my fingers around his own, and found that even in the warmth of the flickering lights which still danced around us, he was cold to the touch. Nothing could stop the trembling of his hands, even as I held them, gently pulling them away from his face. It was then that I met his empty, unwilling, and hopeless eyes with my own. "Drew-" I began, until he interrupted.

His voice was filled with daggers, and when he looked at me, really looked at me now as he spoke, his whole persona sliced right through me. "Stop," he cried, his shoulders heaving forward, his slim fingers yanking away from my grasp, "Just stop- I hate myself, Hailey, I hate myself."

I felt like I was watching him drown. Like he was in the ocean, the sharp slash of the waves dragging him under, him gasping for breath as the salty water tore down his throat and devoured his insides. I felt like he was yelling out for me, begging to be helped, to be saved, but I was just watching him. Doing nothing. 

He was dying, slowly killing himself with self loathing and pain, right in front of me. And I didn't know how to stop it.

Every part of my body ached. I never knew that anything could ever hurt so bad, without having any physical wounds to show for it. But, I knew that if my body could somehow reflect everything I was feeling right then, I would be battered, bloody, and broken- torn to shreds so small that almost nothing would remain.

"Don't say that Drew," My heart pounded in my chest as I took his hands in mine again, this time not giving him the chance to pull away, enclosing his fingers so tightly around my own that it brought pain to my palms, "Don't say that about yourself. You don't deserve this-"

"Yes, I do, Hailey." His eyes were filled with tears as his voice became hoarse, cracking as he spoke. He looked down at our hands woven together when the tears began to fall, glistening with hurt against his cheeks. "I deserve to be like this, I deserve to be this horrid mess of a person."

"You're not a mess Drew, you're one of the strongest people I know." I loosened the grip of one of our hands to reach up and gently wipe the tears that were falling to his chin with my thumb, letting my hand rest against his cheek. He closed his eyes then, his lips quivering just the slightest. "You saved your sister that night, she's alive today, right now, breathing, all because of you."

He didn't open his eyes when I told him this, but he didn't move away from my fingertips that still rested against his face either, and I could tell that once again he was battling with conflicting emotions. His need for comfort and understanding not yet overpowered by the hate he held within him so long that it had become apart of his structure, his bones, his soul.

"That's just the thing though, she's not breathing, Hailey, not the way she's suppose to- and she's definitely not living." He finally opened his eyes again, and they were laced with red as he started to choke on the words escaping from his lips, "After the accident, she spent two months in the hospital."