sorrows and woes - klaus baudelaire

the end

FOR BEATRICE

I CHERISHED, YOU PERISHED

THE WORLD'S BEEN NIGHTMARISHED

•••••••••••••

YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED IN YOUR LIFE THAT IT IS EASIER TO GET USED TO HAPPINESS THAN DESPAIR. You may have been happier when you first started reading this tragic tale than you are now. You might feel upset that this is the final chapter, or you might be glad, I'll never know. But there is one thing that I do know. I know that there are no happy endings and that this tale is all sorrows and woes.

"I've triumphed" Count Olaf screamed for the millionth time as the four miserable orphans rowed. They were in the middle of the ocean with little food, no water, and nowhere to go. Natalia felt hopeless about ever reaching society again. "I've burned down the Hotel Denouement, destroy VFD once and for all, and the Baudelaire and Lexington orphans are finally in my clutches! At last, their fortune and goldmine is mine!"

"So you keep telling us," Klaus rolled his eyes.

"I think the first thing I'll buy is a new car," Count Olaf informed, ignoring the Baudelaire boy. "Something with a big engine so I can drive faster than the speed limit and ram into other cars unsuspected. Orphans, head to the nearest luxury car dealership!"

"We can't head anywhere," Violet told the oblivious Count. "The wind has died and we're exhausted from rowing."

"Laziness is no excuse. You orphans are the worst henchpeople I ever acquired."

"We're not your henchpeople!" Klaus snapped.

"What is there to eat around here?"

Sunny held up a canister of peanuts, "Nuts?"

"How dare you call me that!" Count Olaf roared as he threw the canister into the sea. "I think you're forgetting who the captain is. If you don't do exactly as I say, I will break open this diving helmet, and then, oh, you'll be sorry."

"So will you," Violet retorted. "If you release the Medusoid Mycelium, we'll all be poisoned."

"We're in the same boat," Natalia added.

"You think you're so clever," Count Olaf snarled. "Ever since you were orphaned, all you've done is complained. Well, while you were being whiny and useless, I have come up with a plan. We don't have to just be stuck here in the middle of the ocean on the Carmelita II, because I... am going to change its name to the Olaf!"

Count Olaf pushed himself to the back of the boat and leaned over the side in order to pull off the nameplate Carmelita had put on.

Klaus whispered to the girls, "I read those tidal charts on the Queequeg. I bet I can chart a course back to the city."