If Carpets Could Rule The World (and other stories)

Surprise, Santa!

I slam the door right  in his jolly, red face.

One peek through the window reveals that my visitor is still there, waiting for me to open up. A plump hand taps against tan slacks, and his trimmed beard brushes his red polo shirt. Apparently, the outlets at the North Pole had gotten no less Christmas-themed. Even his little helpers usually wear on-sale sweaters, when they aren't decked out in one of the most inhumane dress codes I have ever seen.

Blast, he isn't going away!

Most people would call me nuts- to refuse a favor from the Big, Jolly Doofus himself? Or worse, refuse to let him in before he can sweet-talk me into agreeing?

Oh, no. That would be one big mistake. After babysitting the reindeer that time three hundred years ago, 'helping with sled repairs'- and let's not forget those oddball fifty years I worked in product design- I can certify that Santa's requests are usually to be avoided from the safe distance of one, sharp poleaxe away.

Especially when the Big Man has an evident, all-consuming thing for you.

I'm the eternal fairy of Magic, people- not the wishy-washy wand-waving witch of Christmas cheer! Also, I don't date creeps!

"What do you want?" I call out, opening the door a crack and holding my poleaxe out- just in case. "I told you the last sixteen times- the answer for whatever you're going to ask is no! No, and a thousand times no!"

He runs a hand through his hair and sighs. "The reindeer fire escape thing was an accident, Akali."

The blades of the poleaxe shifts closer to the door. "First of all, Clauseronie, only my friends get to call me that!"

"So I'm not your-"

The poleaxe changes back into my staff, albeit glowing hot and bladed on the bottom.  I waste no time in pointing it at him, blade first, and he shrinks back. "No!"

I consider how disappointed the children of the world would be if they found their beloved idol hog-tied to a Christmas tree.

Not too much, I hope.

He interrupts my torturous fantasies with a cough. "But you haven't even heard what I want to say."

"Exactly!" I agree. "Now there's no chance of being seduced by your mind games into another crazy scheme."

"Seduced? Mind games?" He looks at me as if wondering how he ever managed to seduce the likes of me with his mind games. And yet he never believes me when I say the relationship was always one-sided. "You don't seem to think highly of me."

"Pfft, of course not!" I say. "Look at how many children you're corrupting, man! At all those fat little kids tapping away at radioactive objects of your giving! See how many you delude with the power of the present!"

I'll admit most of that speech was taken from a conference on reindeer rights. But the delivery of the lines remains all mine.

Although I try so hard, Santa remains unconvinced of his evils against all kinds- including humankind, faekind, and cookiekind. What is a fairy to do?

I've begun replacing negotiations with my poleaxe- my therapist was right. Threats of torture really do bring peace to the mind.

Especially when they concern a certain individual named Clauseronie.

"What?" The man himself strokes his beard. "It makes children happy. Wait- -is this about the removal of the Akali Doll from my Fairy Power package? Because I can-"

"I've told you a million times, I don't care what you do with that doll!" I pause for breath and add, "You made me look evil- who includes a miniature chainsaw in a game for children?"

And he claims that the chainsaw only makes it more 'realistic'. Ha. Someone should tell him it's time he considered a new job.

He stares at me, speechless. But as I move to slam the door shut, one polished boot slides in between and jams the infernal thing. "Please. One last favor." He makes a positively puppy-eyed expression- repentant, even.

"Fine. Speak." I tap the staff threateningly against my forearm, hoping none of my more Californian neighbors notice two powerful entities nose-to-nose.

I also hope that some deity decides this is an excellent time to end the world.

Claus-a-tootle takes a deep breath. "There's a concert in Beijing tomorrow, but the Tale Inspectors are arriving at the Pole at the exact same time. And-"

I will take eternal pleasure in making sure he never completes a sentence. "I know where this is headed!" I declare. "You want me to conjure you a TV."

"No, but-"

"Or even better, to erase the nonsense of abandoning your duty from your mind, so you forget the influence of pop culture. No, wait!" I snap my fingers. "You want me to send you an animation of mine to cover for your presence at the concert, right? That is what this ridiculous request is about? An animation?"

Because the answer is still no!

"Well..." Clausie clears his throat. "I'd like you to cover for me back at the base. If you aren't busy, of course-"

"I'm extremely busy!" I protest, my staff morphing into a chainsaw. "Also, I'm a fairy- and most importantly, I'm a girl!"

"Oh. Well, I was kind of hoping you would say yes. But if you're not powerful enough to overcome these problems, I guess it would be okay."

Me? Not powerful enough? Who does he think I am?

"Of course I'm powerful enough!" His face brightens as I add, "I still don't like you, though. Besides, there's nothing you could bribe me with, short of turning my spare bedroom into a Santa Sanctum."

"You- you don't like me?" Poor dear. First revelations can be tough, especially if delivered by a chainsaw-wielding fairy.

"Surprise, Santa!" I say. "Someone actually doesn't like you- you never should've dumped me!"

Then I slam the door in his face, mutter about touchy exes, and turn on Netflix.