12 Days 'til Christmas ✓

chapter eleven

e l e v e n

*

There's nothing more disorientating than waking up on top of my bed, curtains open to reveal a dingy grey sky that could be morning or night, with no idea what time it is or why I'm awake. I reach for my phone but it's not on my bedside table and I'm lying on something hard. The photo album. Oh, god, I must have fallen asleep after I kicked Casper out of my room.

Casper. That's why I'm awake. He's standing in my doorway looking more lost than I've ever seen him. He's wearing pyjamas, a mug in one hand and my phone in the other, and he's looking at me like I'm a stranger in his house.

"Hey, you're up," he says, his face shifting into a slight smile when I blearily blink at him. "I'd ask if you're okay, but I'm pretty sure I know the answer and I'm worried, Beth."

"Are you going to bed?" I ask, completely confused. His frown deepens and he edges slightly further into the room.

"I just got up," he says slowly. "It's eight in the morning. Monday the sixteenth of December."

I slept all night and I don't remember going to bed. I remember telling Casper I'd be down later and I remember crying as I leafed through the book dedicated to Robin and Noelle, and now, somehow, it's the next day. When that sinks in, I sit up too fast and wince when headrush hits.

"I made you a coffee." He holds out the mug. "Can I come in?"

I nod woozily, vaguely aware that I'm a mess in rumpled pyjamas I put on before supper last night.

"I'm okay," I say unprompted. "Thank you for the coffee."

He hands it to me and turns around my desk chair so he can sit in it and face me. "Beth." He lets out a long sigh. "I know you don't want to talk, but you really worried me yesterday. I don't know what happened when I was looking at your books but you looked so ill all of a sudden. Then you said you'd come back down and you never did."

Leaning across the space between us, he gives me my phone. "You left this downstairs. Your mum rang a few times last night and I tried to bring it up to you but you didn't answer when I knocked."

"I think I was asleep." I rub my eyes and clean my glasses and my eyesight is suddenly ten times better.

"Yeah." He's fidgeting with his fingers, no mug of his own to occupy his hands. "Your mum rang a few more times and I ended up answering. She wanted to check in on you and I told her I was worried. I'm pretty sure she was about to come over, until I told her you had seemed very upset and now you were asleep. I figured sleep was probably good but god, Beth, I was so fucking scared last night."

I can see it in his eyes; I can hear it in his voice. He sounds so unsure, all because of me, and I feel awful. "I'm okay, I promise." I sip my coffee and shift the photo album to the bottom drawer and meet Casper's eye. He's shaking his head.

"I really can't believe that. I'm not saying you have to tell me what's going on, but I'd like to think I might be able to help you if I know what's up?"

He's so kind. He really cares. I can virtually feel his empathy rolling off him in waves that probe my brain, the deepest corners of my heart.

"I think..." My voice wavers. "I think it's a bit too early for this conversation."

His eyes are fixed on me. When I stand and almost lose my footing, he lunges forward to catch my elbows so I don't stumble. I almost feel hungover, the aftereffects of a day of thinking too much and crying too much, wandering too close to the darkest part of my mind.