Different.

Day 10

Eliza's P.O.V

I stood in front of my loathed mirror and stared in tears at my disgusting body.

People always insist that I'm thin and beautiful, they're wrong. They don't know my body. They don't understand. They don't understand that I am different.

I wear a lot baggy t-shirts to mask my insecurities. Usually sweat pants to drape over my fat thighs.

My stomach grumbled, begging for food.

Ignore it. I thought. You've made it this far, don't stop. You can't look like this forever.

I haven't eaten in ten days. I've gotten close to being caught by my family and friends a few times but I slipped through. I run out of energy quick, it's hard to make it through the day. School only makes it worse. Correction: 12:15 makes it worse. Kids all across campus charge at full speed to enter the lunch lines, stuff their faces with food and laugh with their cliques. I go straight to my table with my group of friends. They ask me if I want a portion of their food. I try my best to refuse.

My legs are shaking from standing and my fingers are numb.
This is great. I remind myself.
You are gaining total control.
It's definitely worth it.

I try to smile at my achievements, but it's weak.

It hurts, to have your stomach constantly twisting, I'm getting used to it though.

I walk into my bathroom and step onto my scale. 130 lbs. Average for my age is 115 lbs. Tears fall down my face and onto my socks.
You are disgusting.

I drink water out of my near by glass in defeat. How long does this take? I wonder to myself.
What if I starve myself to death?

I shake my head. This makes me dizzy and wobbly. I leave the bathroom and sit on my bed. My stomach howls at me.
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

It's near impossible. I need to eat. I opened up a pack of gum in my bedside table and began to chew on a single strip. It does help. The clock read 3:05. It was a Saturday so I did not have to be anywhere. I was thankful because I hardly had energy to move around the house.

Low and behold I checked my phone and I had a text from Maria.

Maria: Hey gurl! Wanna head to the mall with me, I need to grab something!

Eliza: Sorry Maria, I'm sick today. Maybe Peggy could go with you.

Maria: Oh bummer, I'll text her. Get well soon! ❤️❤️❤️

I set my phone down and groaned at my stomach's twist. Lemmy, my cat jumped up on my bed. I laid down with her and we cuddled underneath the blankets for hours. It was nice to be with someone without sensing judgement. It made me feel not completely terrible. But deep down I knew I was fat, ugly, and pathetic. Soon my body began aching and I couldn't stop shivering.

This was awful. I was sore all over and random parts of my body would cramp unannounced.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Great. Company.

"Who is it?" I asked weakly.

"Angelica. I just want to hang out, I'm hella bored."

"Come in."

She opened the door and flopped on my bed.
"Man I'm starving." She laughed.

Me too. I thought.

"Want to get some Subway?"

"I already ate." I repeated for the millionth time.

"Bro when did you eat? You've been in your room all day."

"I have food in my room." I said quietly.

"Enough to make you full?"

"Yeah."

She eyed me for a minute and rolled her eyes, "Well do you have any more?"

"No." I said quickly.

"Okay...."

My stomach throttled. I was lightheaded. All my joints were sore. My face grew pale and before I could process what was going on, I rushed into the bathroom to puke.

I threw up for 4 minutes with Angelica holding my hair behind my ears. It hurt worse than ever before, probably because it was just me gagging due to my stomach being empty.

After I was done, I laid down in bed surrounded by blankets.

"Are you okay?" Angelica asked.

"I'm fine." I lied.

My stomach throbbed. I was uncontrollably shaking all over. I thought back to the text I sent Maria, that I was sick. Karma's a bitch.

"How are you feeling? You know like your symptoms."

Starving and fat.

I wondered if I should tell Angelica. I cant. I thought, You don't know who you can trust with this knowledge.

"I haven't eaten in ten days." I replied quietly.

Her hand clapped to her mouth. She looked at me with worry. Angelica grabbed my wrist and pulled me out of my room and down the stairs.

I was too weak to fight back. When we made it to the kitchen she began to pull out my all time favorite food: Chicken Pot Pie. She placed it in the microwave and asked, "How did you let yourself fall into an eating disorder?"

It took me ten whole days to realize, I had an eating disorder. I was addicted. I have a problem. Scariest of all, I don't know how to get out of it.

Tears streamed down my face I looked at her and replied, "I'm fat! I can't look like this anymore, if starving myself is the way to do it, I will take my chances of death!"

"You are not fat. Where did you get an idea like that in your head?" She choked.

"I shouldn't have told you. I can't trust anyone! I need to be in my own control." I retorted getting up.

She began trying to sooth me, I felt lightheaded and dizzy. My legs went numb and I stumbled onto the floor. I slowly lost vision and heard footsteps running my way.