One Day, Maybe. #NewAdult

Ch.34: Pretending Made Easy

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       I of course knew that Bastian had already met her. James had asked me a while back if it were okay for him to introduce them as siblings and I, even though a little tiny selfish part of me was hesitant, still said yes. No matter what my feelings were on the matter, Sebastian had the right to know who she was to him.

       Though our family was a little unconventional --to say the least-- I knew how James felt about Sebastian and I knew that once the children were much older and able to better understand, all would be clearly explained.

       So I never worried, at least until later that evening when James had picked him up from school so that he could meet Ella, he told me that Sebastian had asked who Ella's mommy was and if she were his little sister, why wasn't I also her mommy. James admitted that the question took him by surprise because he didn't actually expect it to come out as the first question coming out of Sebastian right after the initial presentation.

       I remember how over the moon Sebastian was, his own sister to play with all the time. At least that was before we had to explain that she wouldn't live with him even though he would get to see her sometimes. "But, why?" He had asked, seemingly confused. I had to tell him that she, Ella, would stay with "Daddy" for awhile --daddy being Darcy and papa being Royce-- and that's where she would be living, just like Levi lives with aunty Rose.

        And I thought that explanation was enough, after all, he was only four-- almost 5 --years old going on thirty, I should have known his curiosity wouldn't end there.

         I had been making dinner that night, spaghetti and meatballs, his absolute favorite. He could devour two plates when he was hungry enough and I had made sure he wouldn't be given a big snack so he could eat his meal.

      He was sitting at the kitchen island, watching me place the plates for he and I when he asked "when is daddy coming back to live with us?"

       Admittedly, I was not expecting that question. And, in my panic to find an appropriate answer to give him, I blurted out, "I don't know, probably never." I would have kicked myself if that would have taken the stupid out of me. Especially when I looked at him and saw the sadness on his face. I'm an idiot and I was probably not fit to be a mother. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and went to stand next to him. I kissed his temple and tried a smile.

      "You want to feel the baby's kicks?" I tried as a peace offering between us. It was over a month prior and the "kicks" were barely noticeable, though Sebastian swore he could feel them. My little liar.

       He shook his head no as a single tear fell on his cheek. I lifted his chin to see that he was almost crying. That broke my heart.

       "I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to make you sad. I just want you to know that daddy loves you very much and if he could be here then he would.

       "Then why doesn't he come home?"

       Fuck, how did I explain the fucked up situation we were in to a four years old child?

       "Because he needs to take care of Ella for awhile, okay? It doesn't mean he doesn't love you."

       He looked at me then, the sadness hadn't left his eyes. "I love daddy so much." That, that right there broke my heart. I grabbed on to my child and pulled him into me as tightly as I could.

       "I love him too, baby. I love him too."
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    That, you see, had had been over two months ago. And now, not knowing whether James would bring his daughter to Rose's Thanksgiving celebration had me anxious, if not a tad bit nervous.

      I had never met the child nor the mother, not that I didn't want to, but this ridiculous part of me was scared that by my meeting her and seeing how real and truly present she was, it would seal everything. Yes, it was a stupid thing. It didn't matter whether I met her or not, she was part of his life, thus part of my child's life as well and I needed to wrap my mind around it sooner or later, preferably sooner. She was here, really here and tomorrow, I would finally meet the little human that is half of the man I loved.

      Wondering about the dynamic between Sarah and James had been on my mind for awhile now, and not knowing was driving me insane, yet it wasn't my place to ask. I'd imagined trying to navigate this new dynamic from exes who hadn't seen each other in about four years, to a co-parenting relationship of a toddler in a matter of a few months, wouldn't be so easy on both of them. So I tried to keep my distance and give him (them) the space needed to do so.

      I needed to find myself again, not to be so sad and angry anymore. And while you couldn't switch your feeling and emotions in a matter of seconds, pretending to be okay until I didn't feel like crying every waking moment was made a little easier with the fact that, if nothing good ever came out of our relationship, James gave me the greatest gift of all. To be a mommy a second time.

     Now, I just hoped to God I would be able to hang on to that when I see them on Thanksgiving.

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Woot woot, we are caught up!!! The newest chapters coming next week. I'll keep the 2 chapter a week flow. 💜
P.S: Arden is Eva and Frederick's daughter.  They are in my book Making Babies.