I'm drinking a cup of coffee as I write this something we always do together and for once in these past weeks I truly feel a relief. I wanted to start with you because you've been my rock and you've tried to keep me. People say it's the little things that make the difference and watching you so strongly grasp me in your embrace is moving in itself. As your eldest daughter I've always tried to be the second mother to the younger ones, I feel like one too in the sense that like you they do things that neither of us will ever understand. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to be the daughter you deserved, the one you so effortlessly floated about and praised, the daughter you believed to be beautiful on the inside and out but the truth is I'm none of those things. I'm invisible, people don't see me they see through me, the idea of me is better than the actuality and ultimately that is what kills me every day. The notion that I'm not solid in anyone's eyes, I feel like a ghost roaming this earth trying to hold onto things and people that shake me off by the wayside. I wanted to live for you and partially for myself but I feel myself slipping away. My days have become one with daylight and darkness becoming one. My ambition has become regression with material objects seeming useless and social interaction being futile. I want to scream when you tell me your holistic methods because my body can't take it, it wants an end but I know you mean well. I'm trying to take it one day at a time knowing it's useless, my future doesn't seem bright nor possible and I'm losing this fight but my love for you will never change it will always be unwavering and no matter where on this earth you travel it will follow and remain with you.
