Reversed

xlii. forty-two

  Sophie allowed herself three seconds in Dex's embrace before she pulled away. Was that long enough to acceptably keep up the pretense of care?

  When she did, she still couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes. She didn't want to look at the forgiveness and sadness there. She didn't want to face how that would make her feel.

  Because she still hated all of them, didn't she?

  She couldn't let herself feel anything, because it would be fake.

  And all because of the Neverseen. They were the ones that made it so she wouldn't feel any happiness or relief when her best friend forgave her. When the people she had hurt so much welcomed her home.

  Sophie thought that she felt something like this deep down, but it was layered under repulsion at Dex touching her and disgust at the compassion in his eyes.

  But. . . there was something else, too. Something the Neverseen's altered emotions couldn't tamp down.

  Disgust at herself. For feeling the way she did when Dex hugged her. When he'd forgiven her.

  She should've been overwhelmed with gratefulness and relief. She should've held on to her best friend with everything she had.

  Edaline wrapped her arm tentatively around Sophie, giving her a small squeeze and a smile. Sophie forced herself not to pull away, remembering how Edaline had reacted before when she did.

  Hurt.

  And she would continue hurting the people around her—the people she loved—was supposed to love—if she didn't get her emotions back to normal soon.

  She was stunned to realize that she was almost looking forward to the meeting with Keefe later.

  She wanted to find out what was wrong with her, and how to fix it.

  She was so tired of her mind and emotions warring with each other. 

  She looked away, needing to ask one question. "How can you—?" She cleared her throat. "How can you seriously not be upset?" She whispered. "I could be—I could be a spy for the Neverseen, just pretending to come back. I did so many horrible things to you guys, whether. . ." She broke off again, rubbing the back of her neck. "Whether you know it or not."

  The corners of Dex's mouth lifted again, but in a sadder smile this time. "That wasn't you, Sophie. That was the Neverseen."

  Sophie looked down. "No. I knew what I was doing."

  "No, you didn't," Edaline jumped in. "Not really. The Neverseen took and twisted your memories and altered your emotions. You didn't truly have free will over yourself."

  Sophie opened her mouth to argue, but found she didn't really have anything to say. She definitely would have acted differently if everything inside her had been how it was supposed to be.

  For starters, she wouldn't have joined the Neverseen in the first place.

  But that didn't mean that she wasn't completely unchanged from her time spent with the opposing organization. And . . . that was scary for her to think about.

  "I promise that we'll fix everything," Dex assured her, flashing his dimples, which made her almost believe him. "We're the good guys, remember?"

  Sophie almost believed that, too. Maybe she would really believe that once Keefe helped her fix her emotions.

  She was able to muster a small smile. "Okay," she said, letting him take that how he wanted to.

  "You guys are set to go," Kesler said, reminding them that he was there, too. He met Sophie's eyes, giving her a smile that made him look just like his son. Or made Sophie see just how much Dex looked like Kesler. Either way, she was touched by the warmth radiating out from him. "It was nice to see you."