i get lost in my mind

angel.

2:13 AM, Sunday, November 17, 2019

I was on the ground, surrounded by people, in a ball, trying to get out. 

Everything was a haze, a buzz going through my head, trying to make out different people as I was crying. I was muttering 'don't touch', curling more up into a ball, trying to make myself smaller. 

People were running at me, asking a million questions per second, trying to understand my situation. I just kept muttering 'don't touch' over and over again, getting more desperate as hands tried to grab me. I put my hands in front of my face, palms out, shrieking 'don't touch' over and over, head pounding, tears pouring down my face.

 I don't know how I got into this position, but, there were too many people. 

Way too many. 

I tried to pull myself out of whatever was happening, but kept falling in the haze of the worry and panic as people kept trying to touch me, sooth me, walk around me. I curled more into myself, crying, ears ringing as more people kept talking. I could practically hear what they were saying about me. 

'Freak'. 

'Cry baby'. 

'Attention whore'. 

'Emo'. 

'Disappointment'. 

'Ugly'. 

So many words, too many words to process. 

They kept getting louder and louder, why couldn't I get out of it? 

Soon, someone quieter broke through. An angel of some sort. 

Why would an angel be with me? I'm not worth saving. I should just die and go to hell. 

The angel said that I would be ok, wings creating a barrier between me and the world. The angel hovered their hands over my ears, whispering that the world is mean but I'm stronger than this. Everything is going to be ok. 

The angel was gone as quick as it appeared, students and teachers surrounding me, some with phones out and others whispering amongst themselves. 

Their words weren't harsh. There were words of concern and words of encouragement. 

What were they all doing out here? I wasn't worth their time, right? What was the time?

 People I recognized were surrounding me, others that I didn't know were on the outskirts of the circle around me. 

One student was next to me, holding my hand softly, rubbing circles into the skin. When did they get here? 

I don't remember anything. 

Were they the angel? I don't know. 

I mumbled that I wanted to go home, someone on the outskirts saying that someone is here to pick me up, possibly my mother. A lovely woman, really. 

People were still surrounding me when my mother did come in, asking the student next to me to gather my stuff and bring it to the car with her. Being brought up to my feet was difficult, I was quite tired, and didn't want to get up. 

Why was it hard? 

The student came back, I recognized them now as my crush. 

Why were they worried? I never really was nice to them, I was always nervous and never knew how to appropriate myself. 

My crush and mother steadied and helped me out to the car, ending my day at the school. Was I at the school? 

Possibly, but I remember being more outside, maybe near the doors. I don't remember anything... just the terrifying feeling of being choked, hearing multiple voices at once and being in a haze. 

Nothing mattered but survival at that moment, and, getting out of it was difficult. 

I can't quite describe it as my chest and lungs clenching, losing air as I took a breath.

 Why? Why did it have to be like this? I didn't want to die, how can I stop it?

2:25 AM Sunday, November 17, 2019

620 Words