Past doesn't matter (Levi x OC x Erwin) AU/modern +18

Chapter 27: More than just a crush? Pt. 1

It was a betrayal.

So...No matter how good my self-encouragement worked, no matter how bold and brave I felt after that, the anxiety, the fear, the horror about what's coming will never leave completely. It was, and will always be there. That's a fact I dealt with quite fast, I just didnt expect Erwin to be the one who will bring this to a whole new level. It was like being thrown into an endless deep pool of icy cold water with concrete shoes, hands tied together behind your back and any rest of air pressed out from your lungs, left without any hope of survival. Thats how I felt every time. And now, it happened again.

Regardless of this overwhelming feeling that threatens to devour me any moment, my will to come back had never been stronger. I want and need to make things clear, no matter the cost.

But there are other things on my mind. Thoughts bigger than the fear, bigger than any anxiety, even bigger than my urge to flee and hide at home, and that were the new emotions I was suddenly confronted with.

During my ride, I tossed and turned Erwins words around in my head, trying to give them a meaning or a logical explanation, but the longer I thought about them, the more I began to see Erwin in a different light.

The times I was smiling crazily when he was there, everytime my thoughts drifted away to think about him instead of Levi, all the flirting, the dirty jokes, holding hands, taking his arm and walking side by side, all the moments when I got lost into this pair of stunning sapphire-blue eyes of his...

All of this sent my stomach aflutter with thousands of butterflies and my heart went crazy by the thought of doing any of this again. Does this really mean Im in love with Erwin?
How? How can this be?!

I love Levi. More than anything else in this fucked up world, thats what I know. A relationship with two equal people who share their love and affection for each other. Thats how a normal relationship is, right? And thats all I ever wanted. For years. Now... theres another thing that shakes up my whole world, and I just don't want to believe it. There cant be three people. How should this work? Erwin and Levi are friends. Best friends, and now, Im stuck between them, figuratively.

None of what's going on right now makes sense to me, but no matter what will happen in the near future: I can't stop to think that I have to let go of Erwin as soon as Levi finds out what happened. Its either me, or Erwin, and the thing I was certain about was, that Levi wouldn't choose Erwin to stay with. They might be long-time friends, but I fear that Levi won't give this bond the same value as I do. Levi is a future-driven man, hard-working and responsible, taking everything very seriously with all he'd got. Nothing he does is half-hearted or incomplete. With Erwin, he has no future to look forward to, just a common past from which both grew stronger by supporting the other one. This means, Levi will choose me, for we can have a future together, and thats what Im afraid of. To leave Erwin behind for the sake of my boyfriend.

Damn, I sound like a cheating bitch who can't decide which one of her love-boys is the better choice. I never wanted to become like this. My emotions drive me completely insane, and the worst of all: I have no logical or rational explanation.

All of this just came over me on the rather short way back to Erwins place.

When I arrived, I parked my car at the same spot as before. I could still see my footprints in the mud on the sidewalk when I fled from here. Scary. The dimly lidded street, framed by bald oaks, looked spooky with all those reflections on the wet street of cobblestone. A perfect night for crazy emotions and feelings like horror and anxiety. If there wasn't the light of the lanterns, the street would be in complete darkness, despite the few little lights from the nearby houses. It was after midnight, but when I looked up to the last floor, the penthouse, the reason for my current misery, I saw no light as well, but that doesn't mean anything. It was pitch-dark when I fled, no wonder that Erwin saw no reason to change that now that I'm gone. I have no idea what's waiting for me up there. Unfortunately, there's just one way to find out.