I am not confusing #Wattys2014

Chapter 1

Confusion, so destructive, so despised yet so amazing. You know that feeling of feeling so confused, knowing that what you’re doing is wrong but you continue with it, not because you’re weak or stupid but because you’re amazingly confused. Some days the dark looks so bright and beautiful that you don’t feel guilt slowly creeping in. It’s like somehow, by literally writing “light” on the dark, the dark seems so bright.  

I swear I am a different girl every day of the year but that doesn’t make me confused or confusing, right? Every day I try and explain my ways to people but I get called weird. I am that girl who is married to another girl, but just on social media. I’ve tried to explain it to people but no one understands. All my conversations end up in “I am not confusing”.

Girls have their best friends, guys have their homies and I have my wife. She’s like my best friend, she’s like my homie but all those names are overrated. Calling her my wife is just something I do, and we both love it. Am I lesbian? No. Am I bisexual? No. And am I confusing? Of course not.

Tomorrow is unknown and unpredictable but yet so amazing and pure. Tomorrow promises happiness and prosperity. It promises joy and laughter. But still in the mist of those promises, darkness shows his bright palm. It makes more sense to hold onto darkness’ palm only because it seems tangible. I could always choose to hold onto the promises made by tomorrow but is my faith sustainable?  I always choose darkness’ palm because I might be a pessimist. I love the negative side of things. I love surprises, positive things are a surprise to me. Unlike a lot of people who get their hearts broken every day, I get “Wow” moments. This morning, 03 April 2013, I woke up with a bad headache. The sad part is I went to bed with the same awful headache so when I woke up this morning, I really thought I was going to die. So I sat on my bed thinking about my death. I’ve never been afraid of death and this morning I figured it was finally here. We are all going to die one day and this day was my day. This was at 8 o’clock in the morning, and at 11 o’clock I was still alive and I got my “wow” moment again. Maybe death is not the worst thing ever, maybe death is not the most pessimistic thing ever but being alive was still a “wow” moment for me. I am pessimist, I am not crazy and I am surely not confusing.