UNSPOKEN

Unspoken Pain Pt. 2

"And since he's in love with her, he won't be able to ever fully love you the way you'd want him to or be completely in love with you. And if he ever left her, which I doubt he would, and came to you, then you..."

"I would still be the last choice or second to someone who already took his love, I'm second pickings," said a Leela in complete despair as she listened to a friend who was an outsider looking into her world.

"Oh! Just from the tone of your voice, I can tell that this man completely has you, even if you wanted to shake him loose, he still has a major part of you and your love. But how is that fair to you? While he's loving his woman, and she's loving him, maybe, because who knows nowadays, and you're loving him, BUT who is loving you in return?"

"I guess, just myself? No one. Sigh. Am I really this stupid. I feel like such a loser. I almost feel like I'm not good enough and that if maybe things turned out differently years ago, then him and I would be happily married with a wonderful life by now. But then again we were immature, right?! Or maybe God saw that neither one of us were ready. But why do we keep reconnecting? And lately I've been praying a whole lot more and even asking God specifically about him and I and I don't know, it's like things keep aligning themselves and my mom always says when things line up in a good way, that it's meant to be. But I feel like I just...just dumb. Hahaha probably just looking too deeply into things. Ugh!"

"It's alright. You just love him. But you need to understand that even if he stays with his woman, you need to remember the amazing woman that you are. Don't allow one man to dictate the woman that you truly are. You may need to just give him an ultimatum."

Leela pondered over her friend's words. "So I need to break up with him, for good? Like just take some steps back? Not like he would come towards me if I did."

"How do you know that? If he truly wants YOU then nothing will stop him from being with you. And by you taking steps back from him and breaking up from your friendship, either he will step up and come for you especially if he values you and truly loves you. Or..."

Leela interrupted, "Or?!"

"He will let you go and cling onto his woman even more. Or, if he's a selfish man, he will try to keep you both and keep you at bay. If he's a good guy and realizes what this ordeal has been doing to you, over the years, then he will let you go or just figure out where his heart truly lies and make an honest decision with himself."

Sigh.

"Thank you for listening to me. You certainly didn't have to. Also, I appreciate your insight with a male perspective," Leela sighed again and certainly didn't feel anymore relief after speaking with her friend.

People can exercise daily, discipline themselves, and be able to continually manage if they choose to do so. But. Well. The heart is the most difficult muscle to discipline. It is so easy to simply agree to being just a good friend, or try your hardest to just cut someone off, but when those feelings, that love, is genuine...it's hard. Do you keep fighting? Do you walk away? Do you stay and see what happens? Do you listen to your heart or your mind?

Fast-forward...or, do we stop here...

Let's fast-forward to 5 years down the road.

"I love you, I'm in love with you and I've always been in love with you. I know you're with Kellie and have fallen in love with her, even view her as your best friend, and I'm no longer someone you look at in that manner. But my feelings never wavered. After all of these years I've waited, I've loved, I've lost you, I've tried to be with another, I've never lost sight of who I need and want and I know that my wants don't outweigh my needs when it comes to you. But I refuse to just keep looking so foolish, remaining idle, watching you go through hell with another while you could journey through paradise with me. If it wasn't real love then my patience would have ran short years ago. Yet my heart only yearns for you, feels utterly safe with you, my body only responds to you, my mind is only challenged by you. In the book, Love in the Time of Cholera, he waited for his true love for 51 years, 9 months, and 4 days, and though I've not waited that long, I know that my heart would, all for you. My heart, my love, just won't open up for anyone else the way it does and has for you." Leela clenched the phone in her hand as she spoke softly, yet firmly to Romel.

"Leela, I..." Romel interrupted, but Leela stopped him from doing so.

"I know. You're with her and want to work things out with her and in love with her. It's as though I'm not even here. I'm used to it."

"That's not how I want you to feel at all. Ever. I do love you and yes I am in love with Kellie and working on our relationship. Starting over is a difficult thing to do or even think about. Trying to rebuild with someone else. It's been 5 years now that Kellie and I have been together, and..."

"And so what?! If we were together, there's no "starting over" only building on the foundation we've had for many, I repeat, I emphasize, many years already. We've dated before and we were great, but outside forces came in and that's not fair to me or to us because we didn't give us a real chance. And at that time I thought I was doing something right by letting you go and try to rekindle with Robin and Lord knows it killed me, it did....it did...it did," Leela could no longer hold back her tears or feelings.

Everything was pouring out of her and she allowed those words to continue to escape from her lips, that were met with tears.

"Leela...I do love you. We have a chemistry and a bond that no one could ever measure up to. But just up and leaving Kellie would be wrong on my end and I'm not that kind of man. I have to be fair to her and see things through and know that even if it doesn't work out with us, that I did my best and all that I could." Romel's voice deepened and seemed to slightly drift as he explained his circumstances.

"Romel, I know what kind of man you are and I wish you nothing but the best. My feelings will always remain, maybe even grow, because I'm not capable of just throwing my feelings to the side any longer, or just dissolving them, because if it were that easy then that means I didn't truly love you. And we both know that, that's not the case." Leela's words were spoken with confidence and even slight pain, but she dismissed those signs of pain with a smirk that graced her face.

"I love you, Romel," Leela said a few more words before hanging up her phone. A sense of relief and heart break fell upon her, however she got up from her sofa and proceeded on about her day.

Though time continued to go on and, just like time, it slows down for no one, Romel and Leela's friendship continued on, without let up. The friendship break-up wasn't a success, however, their friendship continued to be one.

Can friendship be complicated when love is involved? Between these two...absolutely! Pain is inevitable when love feels one-sided. Pain can run deep when feelings are left unspoken. Pain can either drown you into your own misery, or motivate you to want to do better. Pain is a two sided coin. Which side will your fate land on? Which side will Romel and Leela's coin fall onto?

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