One Day, Maybe. #NewAdult

Ch. 33. I'll Always Be Here

         "I hope you're not trying to suggest that I'm putting my baby's life in jeopardy." I snatched my hand out of his.

         He stayed calm and collected. I pulled myself up into a sitting position on the bed, crossing my arms around myself. And that's when it happened, what I've been looking forward to since last week. The first time it happened it startled me because although I had been waiting for it, I hadn't expected it to happen at three in the morning while I was relieving myself on the potty.

          My breath hitched. How I loved feeling those movements. Small and light as they might be. I couldn't help the smile that crept up my face. Eyes closed, my fingers caressing softly my round belly that kept getting bigger as the days went by. I marveled at the beauty that was this very moment. James might have caught on to the change in me as he looked me over with concern.

       "What's wrong, are you okay?"

      I nodded, unable to wipe the smile off my face. "It's nothing. I've just been feeling the baby flutter for about a week now. It happens so infrequently that it startles me a bit sometimes." I told him, still caressing my belly to let my baby know that I was here. That all was well.

       "Wait, she's moving?" He asked. I nodded happily, the smile spreading  and turning into this warm feeling throughout my body. From head to toe. All was forgotten. Only this moment mattered.

        "I mean, it's barely there but somehow I can_" Then it hit me. I stopped, suddenly aware of what he had said. I looked over at him, my eyes searching his. "Wait, what?"

      "What?"

      I shook my head. "Did you just say She? As in a girl? As in we're having a girl?"

        For a moment he fell silent,  his face turning white. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. If I weren't as stunned as him, I would have laughed.

        "James?"

        He smiled then, tentatively placing a hand on my belly. I let him, so he relaxed and met my eyes. "The doctor basically blurted out while he was updating us on how you both were doing."

         "We're having a girl?" My voice broke, almost unrecognizable to my own ears. James nodded furiously then, his smile the only thing that made sense.

       "We're having a girl." He replied. And just like that, the tears came crashing down.
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     "Hey, hey, hey." I thought you'd be happy, Sebastian is getting a little sister." He said, coming to sit on the bed next to me, he proceeded to try and wipe my tears away, I moved my head. "What's wrong, Charlotte? I don't understand."

       "I'm happy, of course I'm happy but there is this voice in the background telling me Sebastian already has a little sister, doesn't he? That I would never be the one to give you your first daughter. And I hate myself for having those thoughts. God, how much I despise myself for that. Because the thing is, I shouldn't be jealous, this should be the happiest that I've ever been, but I can't help myself because no matter how hard I'll try to not think of it, it'll creep back up and I know that because it's been on my mind since the day you've told me you had a daughter. And I hate it, I hate feeling this way so fucking much because it's ugly and it's not me. I mean, I am very much entitled to my feelings but not when they are about a kid. And I feel so shitty and I'm so fucking mad at you even though it's not something you could have controlled. Regardless, I'm still so mad at you for lying to me again and again and just throwing it to my face and expecting me to be okay with it." I stopped after what felt like forever.

        I finally looked up to meet his eyes. He looked so pained, so broken, but goddamn so was I. "So you see, James. I don't know how to not be mad at you, to not hate this fucking situation. To be okay with it all. I don't know how to do that and be happy about my daughter." My breath hitched, my tears fell heavily so I wiped at my face, willing them to stop.

       James placed a hand on my cheek, trying a smile that just fell flat, not reaching his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Charlotte. I'm so fucking sorry. I wish I could make this all better. I wish there was something I could do to change how things went down. I wish I weren't a fucking idiot and had told you about Ella when I had first found out. I wish all of what I'm saying now made a difference. But I know it doesn't and for that alone I will never stop apologizing and working towards a place where you can be comfortable with me again, a place where you can trust me again. Until then, just know that'll always be there." He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my lips. "I'll always be here waiting for you." He added before getting up. He grabbed his jacket. "I'll tell Rose to come in. " And then, he was gone.

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Getting closer. Hang in there, I'll make it worth your while.