goodnight moon

laugh track

"Lonely?"

"Yeah, why do you even bother asking?"

"I was just checking in- I thought that maybe something had changed," you murmur setting down your steaming mug.

"Well, it hasn't. I don't know why you bother anymore," I let out a long sigh folding my arms. I'm sure that if I looked there would have been hurt in your eyes, but I'm not sure if I would care and I'm too tired to check.

"I worry about you," you tell me sitting down pushing a cup of tea towards me. Or well- I think it's tea, I drink from it anyway.

"Yeah I know you do, you care too much." I let my eyes wander, the sun is drifting in through the windows.

"Maybe," resignation fills your voice. I know you're hurt by my words but I don't know if I care enough, and well, I might be a little nervous to try.

"Definitely."

"Why do I hang out with you again?" You smile a small smile- more of a grimace.

"Beats me."

"I think we need to talk," you hum breaking the silence once more.

"Ok go for it."

"No not just me this time- I'm tired of speaking for you."

"Ah," I grimace.

"You don't want to talk?"

"No, not really."

"I don't want to give up on you- or us."

"Since when was it 'us'?" I whisper quietly to myself.

"What?" You ask even though we both know that you heard me. You're too understanding, too attentive. It hurts both of us but it hurts you more. I want to tell you to stop caring- I know that this hurts you.

"When did you and I become 'us'?" I ask again glancing up at you. You stare at me your eyes welling up with some emotion I don't understand.

Silence

"You're right I'm overstepping my boundaries. I'm sorry." You mutter- your face doesn't show it but I can feel you wincing with each word.

"Yeah," I agree with you even though it doesn't feel right. You excuse yourself, I don't hear your explanation but pretty soon I hear the apartment door slamming shut.

You left your mug on the table, the steam rises shifting in the sunlight before disappearing completely from sight.

I grab your mug- glancing down at the faint stain your lipstick left on the edge. My gaze lingers on it for a minute before I stick it in the dishwasher.

Lipstick stains. I add it to the growing list of things I'm not going to miss about you.

A knock on the door.

Back already?

For a minute I feel relieved that your back. I force away my smile and remember your lipstick stains and unfinished cups of tea.

Mess. You and I just create mess in each other's lives. That's what I think to myself as I make my way over to the door.

"I have a package for Levi?" It's not you.

Relief.

"That's me," I sigh thanking the mailman quietly.

Maybe I should change the lock.

The thought crosses my mind- that way even if you do want to come back you can't. That way you won't feel obligated to come here and sit with me. Maybe then you'll understand that this isn't good for you, that even if 'us' existed it was the wrong 'us'.

The wrong us- the wrong me.

The looks of concern, and hurt you were always giving me will become less and less frequent. You'll find other people to hang out with- people that make you happy.

Maybe I was that person for you a month- or maybe a year ago. People change. I changed. You held onto the past me, a different person who was kind to you. Someone who showed that they cared, put time into our conversations, listened to you a little bit more. That's who you clung onto.

Still.

I don't really believe it.

The stillness of the house hits me. There was a time when I welcomed your mess when it didn't feel like a burden, when I didn't feel like I was crushing you.

Remind me why I convinced myself that distance was the answer?

When I'm all alone staring blankly at the TV watching that show you told me about a few weeks ago a pang of guilt eats away at me.

Was it you? Did the two of us lose sight of each other or was it just me? When was the last time I asked about how your day was going? The last time we had really talked?

In my head, I changed suddenly- one day I was happy to be in your company and listen to what you wanted to talk about. The next I rejected everything you had to say to me.

Even the little things.

Realistically this happened slowly, cracks formed and I did nothing to fix them. I let them grow. Resigned to watching them widen.

The laugh track of the show rings in my ears. I know why you like this show. 

You didn't tell me about this a few weeks ago- it was a few months ago.

Was it that hard to just watch something? Why was I so angry at you in the first place?

Had you not tried to get used to the new me?

You held back. 

Watched me from the kitchen for a second before joining me in the living room, holding that mug your lips pressed together with worry.

Gauging my mood. Worrying about my health. Confused as to why I was being so abrasive lately. Constantly accommodating my sudden shifts in mood. Apologizing about things you didn't need to apologize about. 

Then quietly you would walk back into the kitchen to get me something to drink.

What was it that you always brought to me?

Why had I gotten so used to that?

I close my eyes and hear a voice- that sounds like yours apologizing.

I want to reach out and tell you to stop, stop apologizing, stop forgiving me, stop being so accommodating, stop taking everything I say to you.

I want to apologize.

But it's too late.

I regret it all.

The laugh track plays on the TV and I sob.

____________________________

i am sorry not sorry if this made u sad

- ai