yours truly ; a.i

oh ashton

to my dearest ashton,

i know for sure that you aren't reading these now, it is so hard for me to think that i am actually never going to hear your voice again, never see your smile or hear those stupid goddamn jokes.
a big part of me was you, you shaped me as a person, without you i wouldn't be the person i am today. i think what hurts the most is that we didn't get a goodbye. all those stolen cuddles, sneaking through the window and doing stupid things all have ended now. i don't have anyone anymore ash. i am alone, so is your family,

i can't see a world being even slightly okay without you. the world is missing part of it and the oxygen has gotten thicker and harder to breathe in. the earth has become harder to walk on and hurts my feet, the daylight is too bright and it is hard to see.

the night though, the night is when i see you. i see you in the stars and the cool air, i feel your touch in the breeze as it brushes past me. i feel your heartbeat in mine as i lie there alone, under the tree we used to sit under. i get freezing cold now because you aren't there and it is hard.

i never would have thought that i would ever have to deal with you dying. it is the hardest thing that has ever happened and i know that you told me to move on to other people. i don't know if i can. i'm not sure if that is humanly possible.

calum, luke and mikey have helped me though. they have found it hard too, they didn't even know you for half of what i did. we all knew you all the same though. sometimes i think i hear you when they talk, they way you said my name the same.

your funeral is soon too. i don't want to go to it but i know that i have to. not for me, not for you, for your family. otherwise i wouldn't go. i still hold on to you but the whole point of funerals is to let go. i, myself am not ready for that yet. one day, maybe but i'm not sure.

well ashton, i may keep writing to you. it helps you know, it makes me feel like i can actually talk to you. i will always be truly yours and yours only, you have my heart and i don't want it back just yet.

okay then,
bye for now,
yours truly,
lois

almost finished
love, Tay