Connecting The Dots

Chapter 1: my life

The blazing Singaporean heat scorched the land. I was already used to the unbearable 32 degree heat wave of an average day in Singapore. That day marked the day the third term of school had ended. Unfortunately, there was nothing to celebrate about that. I hadn't received good grades that term. Being Asian, my parents have always been the stereotypical "tiger" parents, and I knew for a fact that they wouldn't be too happy about my mediocre grades. No matter how scared I was to go home, I was going to get it, one way or the other. Thinking about the upcoming punishment i had to receive from them - wether it was having to endure another cane going down on my flesh, or having to listen to another eye-rolling lecture about responsibility and hard work, to both I've already been accustomed to - I simply smiled, as I always do.

I had a group of people from my class who I considered 'good' friends due to the reason that we shared a bus home after school. They're the only people i grew to trust because of how my other classmates used to judge me - like hawks carefully observing their prey and commenting on my every action, no matter how insignificant it may have seemed. I soon realised that this may not have been true, and that it was merely my perception of things. I'm pretty sure in reality, they wouldn't care less about what I do. But this is how my mind is, constantly playing tricks on me. Anyways, despite them being my 'good' friends, they didn't really know me too well. Among all the conversations we ever had were always just exchange of jokes and such. On the seldom occasions where I manage to bring up my personal problems to them to seek help, they would take it seriously for just a split second, then revert back to making jokes about it. Weirdly, no matter how much it hurt me to be made fun of because of problems i have no control over, I kept a smile on my face the whole time, and laughed it off with them. "Wait, what? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm pissed at them aren't I? Then how am i still smiling so much?" I heard my heart whisper inside. I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't control it. I came to the realisation that this chronic smiling might have been a result of constantly trying to hide my pain. The mask that I've put on for so long has started to become glued onto my face.

At home, I'd often feel a pain of loneliness, without having anyone to hug or talk to during my worst days. Someone who could give me a helping hand, or ask how my day was. Just someone who could save me from the sinking ship I was in.

"Going about our normal lives, going through the exact same thing every single day, same routine and the same mundane life as always. Is this how I want to live my life? If this is all there really is to life, and how we should live it then is it even worth it?' I pondered. I've always been used to this type of life but I couldn't help but feel like there was much more to it. Like I was missing something.

As I boarded the train, I looked around and noticed lifeless souls going in and out of the train looking down at their phones and living about their miserable and meaningless lives. Young or old, they felt like empty shells as if their souls had been sucked out of their body and were left to rot like walking zombies.

I finally reached home, and the first thing I did was lie on the bed and stare up into the ceiling and tried to slow things down for a while. At the moment, I didn't see the ceiling. All I saw was the accumulation of the past 16 years of my life. All I've ever known was studying my ass off to please my parents. There was nothing I enjoyed doing. I did everything for the sake of doing it. To simply put, my life had no meaning. A million questions raced in my mind as I looked back on my life and how I became the person i am today. What do I want? Who even am I?

Just as I was conversing with myself, I opened my phone to check out what's hot on YouTube and to calm myself down. Suddenly, 'Gravity Falls', a 3 year old cartoon popped up on my feed. I seldom watched cartoons or tv shows now but for some reason I felt an inclination to do it anyways. There was some sort of a calling in my head to watch it and so I did. I got instantly hooked the show and finished all 40 episodes in 3 days. After it's ending, I felt awful as the show was pretty darn good. While watching the show I would fantasize about being the main character and having Dipper's family. But the more I thought about it, the more I started to see the flaws in mine more clearly. When the show ended I felt lost and a feeling of bittersweetness. The ending was so heartwarming but at the same time i felt an emptiness in my heart. I decided to go for a bike ride to cool off.

The next time I opened YouTube, something else popped up. It was a show called 'Star Vs The Forces Of Evil'. (A basic summary of the show would be that a girl from another dimension was taken to Earth as an exchange student to learn about growing up and how to be a proper princess for her kingdom. On Earth she lived with her exchange family and became best friends with the boy her age living with her. As the show went on their feeling for each other built up too) I felt that the show looked kinda girly for a moment but a scene from the show sparked a soft feeling I never really knew I had. It showed me how deeply the two main characters were attached that they were willing to go through thick and thin for each other. This convinced me to watch the entire series. It was so damn good that I watched 77 episodes in only 2 days. Yep, I was hooked alright.

When the show finally ended, my feeling of emptiness and loneliness grew stronger, devouring me in the process as I compared my own life to those I saw on the screen of my phone. As mentioned earlier, I have always wanted to have someone to talk to and hug them no matter how bad my days were, without being judged. After seeing the show, it just sparked depressing thoughts in my mind. Maybe it was envy? Envy towards the characters in the show and the happiness and sorrow they shared together. It was exactly what I wanted in my own life. After that, sleep would never be enough and I never felt hungry. I didn't leave my room for 4 days straight. Like morning dew om leaves, tears often rolled down my face each time I had the thought of it. The feeling was so bad that it could have become life threatening. I often sat down at the ledge of my condo balcony staring at the horizon wondering what I was even doing with my life.

(I'll try to finish up chapter 2 by Nex week. Thks for reading my book 😊. Pls do comment on my chapter abt whatever it is I'm doing wrong or whatever you want to see next in the upcoming Chapter :)