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-47- Sending Me Back

Holt Jacobs

I left.

I knew better but I still left.

I've messed up too much already anyway. The last thing I wanted was to be there while Coach Mo tells the Lincoln's what I've done.

It started to rain just as I left the school so rather than walk I've opted for the public bus. I'm hoping it gets me back to the Lincoln's before Coach Mo does. If I beat him there at least I can listen from a safe distance. Judge just how bad my punishment is going to be.

I pull my jacket closer to me, my shoulder pressing into one of the standing bars so I don't run the risk of having anyone sit next to me.

The weather has turned, raining maybe, it could be snow. But it's not my main focus. My mind keeps replaying what happened in the gym. How out of no where Ian grabbed my shirt and yanked me back.

I'm almost certain it was Ian anyway. The world around me went from running sprints in the gym to the basement so fast I nearly got whiplash. And when I went to run, his hand caught the material of my shirt and he pulled hard.

I can feel panic snake up along my spine as I recall the feeling of desperation that intensified until the only way out I could find was fighting back.

I'm not a fighter.

I suck in a breath as the bus comes to a halt and trudge off into the rain. Drawing my hood up and over my head, I stuff my cold hands into my pockets and walk the rest of the way to the Lincoln's.

Every step I take the more scared I become. The less time I spend in the present. The past is eating away at me bit by bit and I can feel my chest tighten as my breathing becomes labored. I'm anticipating the worst.

They're going to send me back. I know it. He was right. He's always right. I don't deserve anyone but him.

I push open the front door to the Lincoln's and as soon as it shuts behind me I hear Mrs Lincoln call out.

"Holt honey? Is that you?"

I slip my shoes off at the door, resting my gym bag on the wooden bench as I follow the sound of her voice. My clothes are damp from the weather, the under layers still not completely dry from basketball practice, my muscles growing sore.

I emerge into the kitchen to see Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln seated at the dining room table. Panic rises within me. Coach Mo beat me here, he's already told them. They're seated together on one side, his hand holding hers.

"Have a seat son." Mr. Lincoln commands.

I jump at his voice, afraid to disobey as I sit down across from them. I still can't look him in the eye, so I stare at the wood table, studying the pattern of the grain running through it.

"We have something to tell you." Mrs. Lincoln begins and I nod my head so that she knows I'm listening. "We've wanted a child for several years before you came to live with us. But after experiencing two miscarriages we decided to become foster parents. And we're glad we did, we love having you here." His voice screams in my head that it's lies. That once they hear what I did today, once they know all that he's done to me they'll never want me. I'm trying hard to remain still but I feel a sob threatening to burst out of me and I try to suppress it by nodding along. "but it turns out..."

I can tell she's smiling even though I'm still staring at the table. My heart is beating hard, my chest is starting to tighten because I suddenly realize where this conversation is going. I was in a house with a kid that had this happen to him. Fear strikes within me as she continues speaking.

"We are pregnant." She's ecstatic but I'm instantly suffocating.

It feels like the house is caving in on me and without thinking I'm stumbling backward away from the table. They're sending me back. Mr. Lincoln stands abruptly as the chair tips over and I fall and I know what will happen if he catches me. The anxiety of it repeating, claws at my insides as I scramble to my feet, trying to distance myself from them, from their voices and their hands. I run through the house, throwing open the door as I sprint down the sidewalk. I can hear him calling me, his voice sends chills down my spine, my stomach twisting.

My legs are on fire, my socked feet scraping against the wet concrete as I push my body to go faster. I can't go back. I can't get caught.

My chest is tight causing my lungs to seize as I gulp for air. I haven't looked behind me, too afraid but I know he's there. He's always there. He always finds me. He always catches me.

I can't breathe, my vision blurs and I trip. Falling to my hands and knees to the cold damp ground below me. I don't want to go to the basement. I don't want what he's going to do to me. The thought has me scrambling to my feet as I struggle for air but I fall again, my head dizzy, footsteps growing near.

I gasp, crawling, trying desperately to escape what I know is my inevitable doom but my vision is spotty and I can't get my body up.

"HOLT!"

"Please don't!" I choke out, collapsing from lack of oxygen.

I can't inhale, I can't get away. A strangled noise escapes me as I try to pull myself farther.

"Holt honey, it's okay."

Everything goes black.