Quiet

Chapter Forty-Three: From Yours Truly

There is also a gift waiting for you at the end. I am so sorry I did this to you but please grieve me. Signing off here.

Also if you miss my green eyes look in the mirror more often. You might see me in you too.

The asshole

Tobias Carter

I sat in my bed at home reading the journal. I fought back tears rereading the beautiful wrote words scribbled in blue ink across a brown page. I looked out my window at the sky at the white clouds wonder if he was watching me or if he was a ghost following me around. I had so many more questions left to be answered. I missed seeing his green eyes and how the sparkled with such pain in them. I missed how his hands felt and how his clothes were rough. I wanted him to be here.

I shuffled my feet slowly toward the studio. I held the journal open in my hand. Dad had been looking for the journal for weeks while I was recovering in the hospital was not lucky. He was impressed with me talking a few words. He wanted me to keep seeing Dr. Patel and even set up appointments when I was ready trying to coax me into it. I knocked on the black door and heard him doing his usually twitch stream. He was signing off. I knocked on the door once more. He opened it and looked at me with his tired eyes. I hugged him dropping the journal with a full force surprising him.

"Alright pumpkin what's wrong?" He said in my ear rubbing my back.

I looked at him with a broken and twisted face. I couldn't continue to hold back the tears and be the brave face. I wanted to get better not just for me. I was tired of being the broken one everyone needs to pick up and put back together.

It wasn't fair to Ryleigh who had a life. It wasn't fair to Beckett who was a parent. It isn't fair to Jordan who deserves to live his life. It isn't fair to Josh who is getting married soon. It isn't fair to Tyler who should freak out about being a parent. It wasn't fair to Jenna who shouldn't stress about me. It wasn't fair to Kolbi that I was stealing her dad because I was selfish.

I looked at him so broken and just let all the tears roll down my cheeks from my eyes. Finally, he leads me into the studio and sat me down in one of the chairs. I finally began to calm myself down and looked at the journal still in my right hand. I had left it open pinching it with my thumb a forefinger. I held it out for dad. He grabbed the book slowly eyeing me. Before finally reading over the letter left for me.

"Oh Logan," He whispered and put a hand on my knee.

I looked at him and scrunched my face together trying to stop the second wave of tears from coming but it was no use. They burnt and began to prick at the corner of my eyes. I pulled a pen and piece of paper off dad's desk and began to write.

'I want to be your daughter. Not just the broken one you have now. I want you to know how much I love you and mom. I just need help. I don't know how to grieve Tobias. I-I never got to. So many terrible things have happened and I don't want to die. Please don't let me get this bad. I'm scared of ever being like this.' I wrote and dad read over my shoulder.

He spun me around and made me look into his deep brown eyes.

"I will never let you get like this. I know Tobias' mom gave this to you and you have been reading it but, I think it's time I take this for a while kiddo. I will remind you every day if I have to how loved and not broken you are. You give so many people hope and so many people love you and no matter what I will always love you. You are my daughter, voice or no voice. You will always be mine and Sarah's daughter. You will never not have a home with us." Dad said and opened his arm for another hug.

I hugged him tightly and began to walk back inside and back upstairs. I looked at the white hallways and wondered what Tobias' last thoughts were. I ran my hand along the smooth wall and walked down the hallway to my room. I wondered where we would be. Would I even be with Beckett? Would Tobias and Ryleigh get along more than they did? Did Ryleigh know Tobias was this bad? Did Tobias make her promise something I didn't know yet?

I let my thoughts begin to consume me. I frowned knowing I didn't have the journal in my possession so I went to my own. I pulled out the simple notebook I had slapped into Beckett's chest all those weeks ago.

Dear Tobias,

I know this will never get to you as you are dead. You aren't dead to me though. In my mind death is forever and though your body is not here you still are here with me. I believe that though you were here for a short moment in time you drastically changed my life. I want you to know I am going to grieve you properly. I will stop by sometime and drop off flowers and talk to you. God, I feel like I am crazy. I want you to know these things but, you'll never get to read this. God, maybe I am insane. I hope you know how much I loved you as a friend too. You were the first person I met here besides my family and Ryleigh. You were my first outside person, not an adult. You were my person, my confidant. I miss you just know this is not the end for me and I want to do you legacy justice.

I then flipped the page and wrote a different letter.

Dear Kolbi Jude,

I will never forget the day I met you with your cute little pigtails. Your dad was trying to feed you some strawberries but you were not having it and you wanted his milkshake. We were sitting at different tables on opposite sides of the room. I don't know what pulled me to talk to your dad honestly. I just knew in my heart I guess I was meant to talk to him. So I got up as your dad had left one of your toys in the booth you guys were sitting in.

I rushed out following him. Unsure of who he was or what his intentions were. I actually thought you were his sister. You might not remember when you read this. But you called your dad your brother for a long time. He was scared and you have to understand that being in his situation was not the most ideal. I had to learn this and I will admit I was upset for a long time about this. I felt betrayed and we were only starting a friendship.

I sort of knew we might become something more one day. Your dad's eyes send chills down my back and remind me of someone I used to know. But while the person I used to know his eyes were blue. He was my best friend. He tragically died at a young age. I just felt so lost and that kind of how I was for a long time. Then I met your dad. He spoke about writing a story.

Honestly, I don't know who would want to read or write a story like mine. I didn't want to continue living my story let alone writing it. But, slowly I warmed up to your dad. He was rather persistent too. He insisted on us making days for just us where we could get donuts or pizza. I found out he was a complete nerd. I learned he had the most handsome smile ever. You have his dimples and eyes. I watched how he scrunched his nose before he laughed and his lips always curve into a smile before he laughs. On those days I felt more love and hope than I had felt in a long time, almost 15 whole years.

On my birthday an event happened and I blamed myself for always keep your dad's secret but, it wasn't mine to keep. I never told in fear for your dad. I think sitting on my bathroom floor and crying my eyes out made me feel more guilty. I made the situation worse when you were only a kid, you didn't understand what had happened. Everyone who knew your dad's secret knew it though. I think I knew sitting in my bathroom that was the first time I knew I was in love with him. Not because I didn't face my fear of confrontation but, the fact I ran. I ran because your dad promised to protect me and I couldn't protect him the way I wanted to reciprocate to him.

I sat up in my bathroom for a long time. I scared quite a few people and looking back on it a few months later. It was rather very childish of me. I want to apologize here to you for any damage I caused. I knew though when I walked out though and saw you dad crying I was for sure the pit in my stomach was real. I was so in love with your dad. I wanted to write this mess of a story with him. I wanted more than just being heard and understood. I wanted someone else to have and to love.

I guess that leaves me here, writing this letter to you. I will always remember the moment you called me your mom. I know from your dad you don't have a mom who is involved or in your life at all. That was the true moment I knew my heart knew love. You called me mom and I never felt a more joyful thing in my life. I have never wanted kids. I was too afraid of messing up someone else life, using my messed up life as an example. You taught me of a love that has no ends. You will grow up one day and I hope this isn't the only letter I write to you. I know your dad will read this before you but I hope you get to read them. I hope one day you get to meet your mom and will get to understand and see her side of everything that happened. I also hope you get the mom you deserve whether that be me or someone else. I want you to know about the love I have for you. I love you kid.

Sincerely,

Logan Blake