(Anaïs)
He is going to leave. He is going to see me as I am and leave. It's been three weeks and I'm head over heals. He is gentle, he is kind, he is easily the most attractive man I've ever seen. And I'm going to fall in love, and then he is going to leave.
Josh held my hand the entire way home from the diner. He couldn't be in love with me. Not this easily. Was I even his girlfriend? We only kissed. He only told me he loves me. He only saved my life.
I know Josh's type. He thinks he's gonna come in and save me and some day I'll be normal. That or he thinks I'm normal enough. He can't fix me. No boy who has ever loved me as even close to saved me. He doesn't know I've tried to take my life six other times than this time. He doesn't know why I had a gun. He doesn't know that I'm a slut who's never had sex but has gone down in more boys than I can count in my fingers just because it gave me a semblance of self worth. He doesn't know I wake up with panic attacks nearly every night. He thinks I'm some damaged girl who can't order her own chicken tenders and that's the shallowness of my ocean.
Even if he does truly love me, or potentially will, it's not fair to him. It's not fair he's only going to get whats left of me. It's not fair that he'll always be playing the hero. It's not fair to him that I'm hardly capable of feeling love at this point because I don't know what love is. I know how I've received love and how I've attempted to express it. But if that's what love is then I want him to run far away from me. The love I have received has only taken pieces of me and left me alone.
We arrived back at his house, he rushed again to open my door for me. It was a small gesture, it was sweet. It made me want to kiss him all over his face.
He does not love me and he will not fall for me.
I felt unsure of what to do or say. I wonder if he's feeling as lost as I am. I could stare at him forever. He is so tall, his skin rich and tan. He has strong arms, but his body is still slender. His eyes are the color of the ocean, blue and in vibrant contrast with his skin. His hair is messy in a cute way, a little long. I wanted to run my fingers through it.
"Do you want to watch a movie or something...?" He was definitely as unsure as me. We ended up deciding on some Netflix Original, sitting close on his couch. His leg was shaking and he kept running his fingers through his hair. He seemed anxious, his entire demeanor different than before.
"Are you okay, Josh?" I questioned, trying to catch his gaze.
"Me? Yeah, yeah I'm okay." He smiled down at me. "I'm just feeling weird about everything right now."
Oh god here it comes. He gonna take everything back and make me leave. He realized he doesn't want me and that I need to leave. I should leave. I shouldn't do this.
"Everything?" Be supportive, Anaïs, be his comfort. Make it better.
"I'm just not sure where to take this," he started, clasping my hand. "Like are you my girlfriend now? Am I your boyfriend? Are we doing this? Am I scaring you away?"
Am I his girlfriend? Is this risk worth taking?
"You're hardly out of your relationship with Daniel and I don't even know if you're ready to be in a relationship again and I feel like I'm pushing you." He slouched down into his cushion more, looking... defeated? Tired?
"You're not pushing me." I'm pushing myself. "Do you really want me to be your girlfriend?"
"Yes."
"So ask me to be your girlfriend." Oh boy. Don't ask. Don't break my heart. I held my breath.
"Will you be my girlfriend?"
