Anaïs was the most beautiful person ever.
The few weeks following our meeting were amazing, we clicked. I learned so much about her, like that she loved to dance and sing, she was, in fact, only five feet tall. And I loved that, standing a entire foot taller than her made her even cuter than she already was.
She'd been growing her hair out if 6 years, she has an older brother, her favorite color is pastel orange, her favorite thing to eat for breakfast was oatmeal with fruit. She loved the outdoors, science, and she told me she was a virgo (and that I'm a libra?).
I learned so much about her, but I also learned she was a closed book. I don't know if she'd always been that way or if the incident had caused her to clam up. She didn't talk about the incident. She was healing, a nasty scar on her leg, but the bruises were gone and I could make her laugh.
Anaïs' laugh was the most beautiful sound in the world. It was soft and bright, just like her voice. Her eyes may have been a dark shade of brown, but I swear the flecks of gold looked like stars and that infinite galaxies hid behind them. She liked my jokes. She thought I was funny.
I am in love with her.
Entirely, she makes my stomach do flips and when she looked up at me all I want is to lean down and kiss her. Her entire body unreal, like god had spent extra time crafting her and making her this ethereal woman.
"Oh shit!" Anaïs laughed out as she tripped walking through my door. I left it unlocked for her so she could just come in. I looked at her over the back of my couch and smiled.
She plopped down next to me and kicked her feet up. She was wearing loose blue jeans and a faded yellow t-shirt with a bear on it. Radiant.
"I am so sick of college, let me come work for you," she looked at me with a joking smile.
"You know a lot about cars?"
"I can't even change a tire."
We laughed, my heart exploding. Her lips were so plump, perfectly shaped and I wanted them on mine.
But she needed me as a friend. What we had was perfect. Best friends. Three weeks and I felt like I'd known her my entire life. A once in a lifetime friendship.
"Daniel called today."
She looked annoyed, but something in her eyes looked like it ran deeper. I knew it did. How could it not?
"And?"
"He said he wants to hear me out," she groaned, rubbing her temples. "I don't know. Should I? I don't want to-"
Her voice broke and she shot me a helpless look. She felt so much pain. I wanted to run across the street and kick his ass for even suggesting she explain herself. What happened to her was worthy of the worst punishment. I wanted to kill the person who did this to her, I wanted to kill anyone that had committed such a heinous act.
"Don't do it."
"What?"
"Don't run back to him," I said, leaning towards her. She moved back. She was thinking about him, she doesn't let me touch her when he thinks about him. "He cheated on you, remember?"
I could tell her about all the girls I saw in and out of his house. I could. But I think she has enough weight on her shoulders.
She nodded, chewing her nails. A nervous habit she said she'd had since she was a kid. "Do you think he sees me coming here?"
"No."
Anaïs was deep in thought. I could see frustration, anger flashing through her eyes. She was vulnerable.
Tears welled in her eyes snd she scooted over to me, carefully wrapping her arms around my waist. I held her as she cried quietly. Another thing I learned is that she had anxiety prior to the incident, and anxiety attacks were very common with her. She couldn't even order her own food at a restaurant.
I couldn't tell if this was one of those situations, or if she was just sad. I didn't care. I just wanted Anaïs to feel better. I was glad she found comfort in me.
"I wasn't good enough for him," she sobbed. "I don't know why I thought he could love me."
I love you. I raked my hands through her hair and consoled her. If this is as close as I could get than I'll take it. I'd never kiss her if it meant I could keep her. Daniel was a fool. He hurt her. He cheated on her and the audacity to accuse her?
"I don't know how anyone could ever hurt you. I don't know how anyone could ever leave you," I whispered.
Anaïs pulled back, still in my arms. Her big, watery eyes were searching mine, as if she could see through me. "Who could stay? Who could stay with someone like me? Who could love me?"
"I could." Fuck.
"What?" Anaïs whispered, her entire body tense.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I needed this to last longer. I needed her to not be scared away.
"I, um, I'm sorry I just," I sputtered, letting go of her. "I don't know why I said that."
"What?" Anaïs exclaimed. She was confused. I upset her even more. Now she probably thinks I expect her to date me or that I'm a nice guy who doesn't want to be in the friend zone. I love the friend zone. The friend zone is safe. The friend zone can't break her heart or mine.
I stood up and moved away from her. She looked very frustrated. After a moment of eye contact, Anaïs started to spiral. Her breath was heavy and shaky, she was shaking. This was panic. She stood up quickly and grabbed her keys.
"I'm sorry I said that," I had to say something. "It's just-"
"You tell me you could love me and then you turn around and say you don't know why you said that and then you apologize for it," she exclaimed, her chest heaving. "Why would you say that to me, Josh? What does that mean? What the fuck does that mean?"
I gawked at her, searching my brain for words but I forgot them all. I know why I said that. But she's so far from ready to be with someone. I know she is. For fucks sake what would a physics major with a career set out for her want to do with me, some auto technician? I'm not good for her, I'd never be-
"Josh, please, what the fuck does that mean?" Anaïs broke my train of thought. I had to say something.
"It means that," I put my head in my hands. She was a few feet away from me, but I could smell her warm vanilla and almond perfume. It was tantalizing, distracting.
"I love you. I want to love you. Since you were drunk on my toilet and since we had breakfast, since you started telling me things about yourself.
You're beautiful, incredible, intelligent and I don't want to just scrape the surface of who you are. I don't know why, but lately when I think about my future I see you, only you, as apart of it. That doesn't mean you have to date me. Or love me. Or even still be my friend. It's okay if you aren't on the same page as me because this is very fast and we've hardly known each other a month, but that's how I feel. I don't know if thats what you wanted to hear." I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.
Anaïs was crying again, and this time it's my fault. I couldn't fix it this time like I had been these past few weeks.
"I don't want to hurt you," I said, taking a step towards her.
"Do you wanna go get some food?" she laughed out, covering her face with her hands.
"I'll drive."
