The Decision

Chapter 10

"Lexa!" Clarke called as she caught up with her. "Lexa, wait!"
Lexa spun around to face her, squaring her shoulders. "What is it, Clarke?" She questioned rather harshly.
"Listen, I'm really sorry about...." Clarke paused and took a calming breath. "I was angry and then hurt, and then I don't know...I guess that I wanted you to hurt too."
"Oh, I felt it," Lexa responded straightforwardly, though she seemed to appreciate the reasoning.
"I am so sorry," Clarke shook her head.
"Like you said," Lexa nodded with a brisk shrug, "you were angry."
"Yes, but that's no excuse." Clarke responded firmly. "I crossed a line there."
"You did," Lexa agreed quickly and then just stared at her before sighing. "Good thing that we've never given much consideration to lines though."
Clarke swallowed hard. "So, you'll forgive me?" She asked hopefully.
"Of course." Lexa assured her.
"Good," Clarke sighed, knowing that the relief showing in her eyes, "because I really do want to be friends."
Lexa's brow furrowed. "I really want that too," her eyes were sincere.
"Do you think, maybe, I could get your number?" Clarke asked cautiously.
Lexa thought for a moment and then held out her hand. "Let me see your phone," she told her.
Clarke handed over her phone and watched as Lexa punched in her information. "Thanks," she told her when she handed it back. "I should get going now, but I'll text you. Okay?"
"Have a good day, Clarke." Lexa nodded.

Clarke smiled, it was all that she could do. Tucking her phone back into her pocket, she turned and made her way back to Octavia and Raven, mentally trying to prepare herself for the shit storm that she was about to walk into.

"You got some 'splaining to do," Raven joked as she grinned and cocked an eyebrow at her.
Octavia was giving her a look that held both disappointment and sympathy. "You sure do," she finally said.
"Time for a drink," Raven told them with a clap.
"Rae, it's like, eleven o'clock in the morning," Clarke argued. Not that it would be the first time that she'd ever had a drink so early.
"Come on," Octavia said grabbing her arm. "Something tells me that we're going to need it."

Shortly thereafter they were seated at a small table in a bar around the corner.

"Okay Griffin," Octavia started, "now, what the actual fuck?"
"Okay," Clarke took a deep breath. "We went out to breakfast and everything was fine and normal until I made a comment about her not being as mean as I remember and she got totally offended. Then one thing led to another and I reminded her that she had hurt me, and then she just left. She just dropped some money on the table and walked out, and I just...I lost it." Clarke paused and took another deep breath. "I chased after her and slammed her against a wall and screamed at her and then the next thing I knew I had kissed her and done, well – that."
Octavia took a sip of her drink and thought for a second. "You need two should stay away from each other," she finally said.
"What?" Clarke gasped at her words. "No. I don't want to stay away from her, O. I missed her!"

No. Absolutely not. She didn't want to lose Lexa again – she had just got her back. No. That, was not an option.

"Clarke, I get it and on some twisted level, we've all missed her," Octavia's voice was calm and yet, slightly coarse, "but you and her – it's really a volatile combination. You two are like, Lincoln and I, but on steroids, with speed – and a splash of Red Bull."
"Now you're just exaggerating." Clarke responded defensively. "We were great friends once."
"She's totally not," Raven giggled. "and you were way more than friends."
"Not always," Clarke fired back and quickly took a sip of her drink.
"Yes always," Octavia snapped swiftly, "and that's the point. You two might not have seen it, or acted on it but it was there. It was always there."
"And, sexually speaking," Raven added, "you two together, God, you were really fucking insatiable."

Clarke swallowed hard at Raven's words. They were true. She knew they were true. Disgustingly true. Once Lexa and she had crossed over into that territory, they simply couldn't get enough of each other and they didn't much care who knew it. Just the mere thought of it sent a rippling effect throughout Clarke's entire body, like a cord between her heart and her core was being twisted.

"Okay, enough talking about that," Clarke instructed firmly as she tried to steady herself.
"You can't even deny it," Raven accused her in laughter.
"Of course I can't," Clarke admitted furiously. "You know that I can't. I never could."
"Then why put yourself in a position where you know that you don't have control?" Octavia demanded. "You're fucking engaged, Clarke and you are not that person. You need to figure your shit out."
Clarke stared into her glass as more guilt was building in her chest. "I can control it," she responded feebly.
"Now, that's not exactly fair, O," Raven interjected firmly. "It's not like her and Lexa are sneaking off somewhere and sleeping together."
"What, you're the sensible one now?" Octavia joked with a wave of her hand.
"Look, it's no secret, I'm totally on team Clexa, but..." Raven acknowledged with a shrug.
"You hit the girl so hard that she had to have her face sewn back together," Octavia argued.
"And I would do it again. In fairness, the girl had a six year heads up," Raven responded smoothly. "Regardless, my point is that what happened in that moment was fueled by a lot of pent up anger, hurt and history. I don't believe for one second that Clarke went there with those intentions. You said it yourself, she's not that person."

In that moment Clarke's heart filled with nothing but adoration for her friends. Raven was right, she hadn't gone there with those intentions, but Octavia was right too, she needed to figure her shit out.

"You're both right," Clarke finally spoke. "I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did and I'm with Wells now."
"So, you're going to stay away from her?" Octavia inquired curiously.
"No," Clarke shook her head instantly, "absolutely not. Me marrying Wells or not marrying him has nothing to do with Lexa – that's all on me."
"Are you starting to doubt how you feel about him?" Octavia asked and finished her drink.
"No," Clarke answered softly as she shook her head, "I know that I love him."
"But, not like you love Lexa," Raven tipped her glass towards her with a knowing look.
The statement made Clarke's heart burn and ache. "Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean that you end up with them," she shrugged ever so slightly. "It doesn't even mean that you should. Lexa and I gave it a shot. I chose her and she chose Bangkok."
Raven nodded and leaned forward on the table. "Yet still, you want to try to rekindle your friendship with her?"
"I do," Clarke confirmed quickly. "Yes."
"Fuck my life," Octavia muttered with a slight eye roll.
"Well, I'll tell you one thing," Raven said as a wide grin appeared on her face and she crossed her arms. "This is going to be interesting."