Quiet

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Leather

I had only been in Tobias' room at the facility once and there was this action figure he gave me. It was a small Spiderman action figure. He told me all about his love for Spiderman and how one day he was going to become like Peter Parker and save the girl. In some sick way he did that. He was always there for me. He knew what I needed and the thoughts in my head. I held the Spiderman figure in my hand before slipping it into the coffin beside him.

I looked up at the funeral home lights as I then proceeded into the other room where Dr. Carter's body was. I sighed deeply before singing the other guest books. Tomorrow would be the burial and I was not prepared for that. I signed the book and signed to his parents how deeply sorry I was for their loss. They were not the most understanding people but they were Dr. Carter's parents I couldn't imagine how everyone was feeling. I sat in the back seats of the funeral home and watched the procession of people as they walked in and out with Ryleigh and Beckett.

'you know what is sick and twisted?' I signed looking at Ryleigh

"No?" She said looking at me with a sad look in her eyes.

'I figured it would always be for me. I had this thing when I was 10 that you'd be there and you'd talk and-'

"stop it, Logan Blake." She said and engulfed me in a hug.

Ryleigh held me so tight until I felt better. Ryleigh always knew what I needed to. I still remember the day we became friends on the playground at school. I remember her and josh being so close and Tyler. I remember josh being an awesome big brother to her. I then thought of the last funeral I had been to it was Tommy's the caskets were closed. It was not as daunting like it was now. Now I had to come face to face with Dr. Carter and Tobias' lifeless bodies.

That night I sat on my bed and hung my dress. I would be wearing the same dress tomorrow again. I changed into pajamas and went and sat at the island with dad. Dad had a beer in his hand and looked at me before handing me it.

"Don't tell your mom." He kissed my head.

I drank the beer practically guzzling it down. I looked at the refrigerator knowing that is where more beer sat. I shuffled my feet over to the fridge and opened it. My eyes racked the shelves. I then settled on the cranberry grape juice. I grabbed one then headed up to my room for the night. My sleep was a restless sleep, I kept waking up and hoping this was some sick twisted nightmare it was not though.

The burial went off with a hitch. It was one right after the other. It was a quick and simple service. Mrs. Carter came up to me after we were informed we could go to the family dinner. Beckett had come with me today. Ryleigh said it was too difficult and couldn't handle it. I understood her mental health was incredibly important. Josh was looking into having her see a psychologist and them going together. I could only nod because none of the words I suggested would be adequate.

"Are you Logan?" Mrs. Carter asked and I nodded as Beckett removed his arm from around me. He kissed my head before saying something about getting the car.

"My son and husband would have liked you to have this." She handed me a leather journal.

I noticed the notebook. It was the notebook that sat on Dr. Carter's desk most of the time. I nodded and looked at the journal with tears in my eyes. When I looked up the woman was now about 50 paces away from me. I simply just looked up to the sky and smiled letting the tears roll. I walked back to Beckett's car and climbed on holding the journal close to my chest.

"What's that?" He asked me as I held the leather journal close to my body.

'A memory.' I signed

Beckett nodded and dropped me off at home. He had to go and help Katrina with some party. Kolbi gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek as they left. Dad was at the studio doing something. Mom was in the kitchen making dinner for when dad got back. I walked into the library and sat down at the desk. I opened the journal to find a picture of Tobias and I. This was Tobias' journal. I felt like I was invading his privacy reading this but I couldn't help but read.

Entry date: July 6

Entry name: Some girl

This girl stopped by today. I guess this is my dad's new patient. He told me to stay away from "that there were bigger things about her than what was on the surface". I couldn't help but for once understand what the old man was saying. I mean I know you're going to read this pop but, when I saw her I finally understood everything you have been trying to tell me.

Entry date: July 13

Entry Name: Infuriating

This girl, her name is Logan Blake. She is literally going to be the death of me. She is so innocent and fucked up. She isn't self absorbed like the other people you have dealt with dad. She is different. When you introduced me she didn't think of me as a fuck up. She understood me. She didn't care that I was bipolar. That mom couldn't love either of us enough to stick around. She just cared about me and wanted to help. Why can't there be more people like that. She literally makes me want to punch myself as I stumble over my words. I don't get it. She just makes me so irate because she test how far she can push me by not listening. Then she takes 10 steps back. She is so beautiful though. I know you'd never let us date but I really hope that we can be friends, you know dad. Logan Blake and I could see us being friends.

Entry date: August 2

Entry Name: I fucked up.

Dad, I fucked up. I fucked up so much that Logan now hates me I am sure of it. The only thing I can do now is cut the ties completely I can't believe I did this. Why do I fuck everything up? Why can't you fix my problems like when I was a kid? Why don't you help me? Why aren't you giving me advice? All you do is read this piece of shit journal and then had it back to me at the end of the week and tell me to continue I don't get it. What is the point of this?

Entry date: October 9

Entry Name: I get it

I get why you gave me this finally. It was so that way I could reflect on how I grow up. I was really harsh and unloving. I see the monster I truly am. I was so terrible to you and your new wife while all you guys have been is loving toward me. That is how I ended up in here. I am sorry dad I mean it. I am so sorry, I love you and I know I never said it enough as a kid but I do I mean it dad. There are just something I'd love to be able to do again with you. You know like going out for donuts and coffee a noon when you have no appointments and just talking about life, and cars. That is what I miss. I miss having my dad.

That was the final entry. There we countless other entries that I skipped over. I couldn't help but wonder if that isn't what happened. Tobias and Dr. Carter were going to get donuts. It was right afternoon sessions had ended. Dr. Carter would be getting ready for the end of the day. I felt the tears began to pool in the corner of my eyes.

There was nothing I could've have done.

There is nothing I could do to make it better. Other than maybe go get donuts and celebrate Tobias' life. There was one person I know would love to go with me to get donuts. I pulled up my phone and punched the number into the contact bar and then sent a simple message.

Logan: Hey can we go get donuts?