Tamed

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Next To Me

            When Ollie nods, it doesn't necessarily mean he understands.  It means he thinks he understands what you're talking about. That was a huge part of our problem.

            With another shallow breath, I continue.  "Your actions didn't tell me that you cared.  I was always there for you.  Willing to be anything for you.  I was your best friend, the one you told your secrets to, and I wanted to be the one you gave your heart to."

            He laughs, cutting me off.  "Are you kidding me right now?"  His laces his hands on top his head again and takes a step back, shock on his face.  "How can you even say that?  Who else would have it?" 

            He lets his hands fall heavily at his sides, accusation in his tone.  It makes me angry.

            "I was only good enough for you when football was no longer an option."

            "That's not true—"

            "Bullshit!" I cry, cutting him off.  His eyes widen, but I keep going.  "You were going to leave and you didn't care where I was.  You would have been perfectly fine without me as long you got to be the center of attention."

            He's shaking his head, but it means nothing to me.  He can deny it all he wants.  I remember it very clearly if he needs a reminder.

            His eyes drift to the ground for a moment.  This less confident Ollie is still really foreign to me.  "I was fucking stupid."  He looks back to me again.  "I don't have a better excuse than that.  I know it's bullshit, but it's all I have."

            I'm biting down on the inside of my cheek, willing myself not to cry.  Typically I'm not this emotional around him.  Or at least I never used to be.  It used to be easy with us.  I was never afraid to tell him something.  Now every conversation we have seems to be so important.  Like one of us is about to say something that will change everything.

            Maybe that's why he's here now.  But I'm still not sure.

            "What do you want from me?"

            He runs his hand over his head, his expression conflicted.  My heart pounds in my chest anticipating his response.  He usually doesn't take this long to make a point.  Ollie was on a mission when he came over here, but I'm not convinced he thought everything through.

            He tents his hands around his mouth for a moment before dropping them and stepping closer.  "Look, I'm not trying to make this about me."  He pauses to take a breath.  "But you're still here.  You could have sold the house and left—but you didn't."

            His hands are in my hair, drawing me closer before I have a chance to process it and my breath hitches in my throat.  He softens his voice.  "I can feel that you want me to be around.  You wouldn't have to try so hard not to kiss me and you wouldn't let me spend the night.  Those aren't things you do with someone you don't want around."

            I try to pull away from him, but he holds me steady.  "Ollie, of course I feel that way around you.  It doesn't just go away."

            "Doesn't it?  If you fall out of love with someone then all of the other feelings go with it.  You wouldn't still be holding on waiting for something to change."

            I swallow the lump in my throat.  "Is that what you do?"

            "Every day."

            His response is automatic.  Effortless. He expects me to believe that he's spent the past five years waiting for my return.  If he really feels this strongly, I wasn't hard to find.