Blissfully Numb. (Book 4)

Chapter 11

He stood there gun pointing at me. It felt like an eternity. I heard Emily's sharp intake of breath and I stopped shouting immediately. I was dying to tell him to go on, to shoot me like he did our parents but I didn't want to antagonise him. If I did he might actually do it, then turn on Emily next. Then who knows, he may even go after the rest of my family. I still had no idea what it was he wanted he hadn't spoken a coherent sentence since I arrived!

"Colin?"

"Theo I need you to listen to me OK, I know you think you know what happened that night but I need you to hear me out."

My body began to spasm in rage, my blood boiled and I could feel my blood pressure go through the roof. I knew it, I knew he was going to risk my family to feed me more of his bullshit! But before I could say anything he held up his hands in peace and asked me again.

"I don't want to hurt anyone Theo but I need you to listen to me, you HAVE to listen to me."

"Fine Colin I'll listen, I ain't promising I'll give a rat's ass what you have to say but I'll listen. Just one condition..." He looked up in question. "You have to put down that gun Colin. If you hurt her, even by accident I'll make sure you hurt in places you couldn't even begin to dream of!"

He shook his head no. "If I do that you'll attack me or leave. No the gun stays with me." As he shook his head no, he un-cocked the gun so it was at least safe...for now.

"If you have no plans to hurt anyone you'd put it down Colin, I've said I'll listen so get on with it!"

"As long as you don't try anything stupid Theo I won't hurt anyone but I'm not putting the DAMN GUN DOWN OK!"

I held up my hands in surrender as he waved the gun about once more. I knew it was now safe, but I didn't know how much experience Colin had with guns and that thing could go off at any moment. Emily was tiring, her tears were exhausting her and it was finally dark outside. Alfie would be wondering where I was soon. I hoped the police hadn't come round asking more questions or he might tell them I should be home by now. I had also left my cell in the car and I knew if he didn't get an answer he'd start ringing everyone to find out where I was.

"FINE Colin, Fine!" I shouted. "But you need to get on with this, if you know my schedule so well then you'll know Alfie will be expecting me and if I don't speak to him soon god knows who'll be out looking for me."

"How will they know where to look?"

"Are you serious? Colin I came for our dinner, you must know I come here a lot or is it just a fantastic coincidence that you're holed up across the street? Alfie knows where I came for food, it won't take the police long to check my last known location and work from there. So get on with it will you."

"That night Theo, the night they died it... it wasn't how you think. I didn't kill them, I mean I did but not in the way that you think."

I waited patiently trying not to interrupt. He couldn't even say their names, he couldn't even call them Mam and Dad. I didn't believe him, I don't think I'll ever believe him but for Emily I kept quiet. I think he can tell it hasn't started well because he's pacing again shaking his head, then he quickly draws up another chair and sits, head in hands, gun banging against his head.

"Theo I am sorry, I am so sorry for what happened to them. I didn't mean it, I was a mess. You know I was a smack head, I needed the next fix more than I needed you guys in my life. I know I put you all through hell, I know I disappointed you all but I didn't kill them Theo, I didn't Kill them in the way that you think I did. It might not even matter to you, after I finish what I have to say you might not even care. You can still hate me and throw me out like trash but I need you to hear it. I need you to hear what happened from me."

I responded by simply scowling at him, but a glance at Emily made me soften and I nodded for him to continue.

"I as good as killed them Theo, I know that's true. That's why I never denied it. I panicked at first and went on the run for a bit but I knew I'd be caught and I knew what everyone would think. I threw the gun into the river then wandered back towards the house, but I had to get rid of the evidence because if I didn't take the blame then they would have come for you."

"Who?" I asked.

"You didn't know them but it was part of the gang that worked for my dealer. I owed him big time Theo and when I told him Mam and Dad were going to put me in rehab and I was coming off the cocaine he wasn't happy. I owed him so much he thought if I was whisked away to rehab he'd never get it back. I tried to convince him he would, I tried to convince myself that Mam would lend me money one last time. They didn't have that kind of money though, I knew that deep down but I was trying to buy myself some time, save my own skin."

"As usual." I spat.

Both Colin and Emily groaned at my response, the latter because she was worried I'd make Colin angry again and he'd hurt her. The former because he knew it was true, he had milked my parent dry and it was all for selfish reasons. Emily was shaking her head silently begging me to stop and just to listen to him, so I sighed and again nodded for him to continue.

"They dragged me to the house Theo, there was four of them and they were all carrying. All the way home I tried to convince them that I'd get the money I wouldn't go back on my debt, on my promise. They ignored me and drove me home. Mam and Dad were in the sitting room watching the TV, probably waiting for you to come home. Their faces when they saw us Theo, it's burned onto my memory. Like a hot poker repeatedly stabbing me, reminding me what I have done. Mam was terrified, her eyes...her eyes."

He began to sob then, real body shaking sobs. My own throat was tight as images of how my parents last moments were being formed in my mind. She was so petite, I used to pick her up and spin her around. Dad was much more solid, like a rugby player but he didn't have a fighting bone in his body. It sounded like even if he did, he didn't stand a chance against four of them.

"So what Colin, you just stood there while they shot at our Mother, our Dad?! You just watched as her tiny body hit the ground and dad unable to protect her, died knowing he had failed the love of his life! You didn't step in front of the bullets you had caused, you didn't fight for their lives?! Then you cleaned up for them!! YOU FUCKING HELPED THEM TO ESCAPE!"

Tears were streaming down my own face now, I hated him more than I did before. He was a coward, scum of the earth. I hated him, I hated that they would have known what was going to happen to them and he stood there and didn't move a muscle. He didn't make any effort to help them at all. He was selfish to the end, he was happy to stand there and watch just as long as they didn't hurt HIM! I always thought they hadn't seen it coming, that he had come up behind them and killed them but they'd been killed execution style. Oh god it was too much, too much. I wanted to kill him.

"They had me Theo, one of them had my arms behind my back gun to my head. He told me if I did anything stupid he'd kill them and they were just here to collect what was theirs. It was a lie. Her face, dads face, we all knew we were going to die there. They shot dad first, maybe they thought he would pose more of a threat but as Mam screamed she hit the floor too. I thought it was my turn next but they just dropped their guns and told me to take care of it all. They left with a warning that I was to take the fall or you'd be next but they wouldn't be quite so nice to you."

It was all too much to bear. Emily was temporarily forgotten as I stood up, my mind a haze. It was like I was a marionette, someone was pulling my strings making me move. I wasn't conscious of what I was doing I just had one thought and it was to kill him. I grabbed at Colin, I heard a click and we fell to the floor. I was trying to get to him, trying to attack him. Everything was still blurred like I was viewing this all from another place. I heard a distant scream, almost like an echo from far away and a bang and the world went quiet.