Is This Relatable or is it Just Me? IV

Suicide Awareness Month (Trigger Warning)

I want to share my experience, but first, I want to share some statistics.

46.4% of adults will have a mental illness in their lifetime in the United States alone.

Roughly 800,000 people die by suicide world-wide each year.

That's about one suicide every forty seconds.

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When I was thirteen, I had my first suicide-related thoughts.

I became TERRIFIED that I would commit suicide. It became an obsession. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to end my life. The thoughts wouldn't stop. I couldn't make them stop.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. At night, it would keep me up for hours and hours.

I was scared every time I passed the medicine cabinet, or the knife holder. I avoided them.

At night, I'd cry as I tried to make the thoughts stop. I would sing, "Jesus Loves Me" over and over again. I prayed over and over again that God would take the thoughts away.

At first, the thoughts mostly occurred at night. Then, they began creeping in during the day, even though I desperately tried to drown them out with the days' activities.

I thought about my great-grandmother's brother, who had died by suicide after he had accidentally killed a little girl with his car. I thought about all of the bad stuff in the world.

Each night was a cycle: The thoughts occurred. I would pray. I would sing quietly. They didn't go away. This happened until I would eventually  fall asleep.

Then, one night, I was certain that I would harm myself if I didn't do something. I had little knowledge of what to do. I didn't want to be locked up in a mental hospital. I didn't know what my mom would do or say. But I had to do something.
It was the middle of the night, too.

I gathered the courage to march up to my mom's room.

I knocked on my door.

She was awake. She was awake. I was so relieved to find that she was still wake.

I cried and told her about it. She had me sit on her bed as she listened to me, and talked with me.

The obsessive thoughts about suicide stopped not too long after that. It was so relieving to go through the day without thinking about it.

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I still experience suicidal ideation sometimes. I know that I could never do that to myself, because I don't want others to have to deal with the mess that would come after.
Other days, I just don't think about the consequences. I'm lucky to make it out of those days.

If you contemplate or have thoughts of suicide, please reach out to someone. If you're a college student, go to the counselor. If you're not, or you just can't talk face-to-face with someone, text 7471 7471, or look up your country's suicide hotline number.

Stay alive, please.