Fishing For A Dream [Book Three]

Chapter 2 - You Were Always On My Mind

Shortly before nine, Bianca and Finn left. My nephew had gone from adorable to grumpy in a matter of minutes, and his bed was calling after a busy evening of winning the hearts of three new people. I went out to the car with them so Bianca could get him settled in his car seat, and then we said our goodbyes. We'd already agreed we wanted to see each other again soon, and I promised that I would make sure we had enough time to talk over everything we both needed to say. We swapped numbers, and then hugged tightly, neither one of us were quite ready to say goodbye again so soon after finding each other.

"Have a safe journey home tomorrow," I sniffed, the water works starting again as I stepped back so she could get into the driver's seat. "Will you let me know you got there okay?"

Bianca nodded, wiping the fresh tears that spilled down her cheeks with the sleeve of her jacket. "Of course. I'm sorry if I ruined your evening."

Bottom lip wobbling, I chuckled and shook my head. "Not at all. Quite the opposite."

Grinning at each other, she closed the door, and waved goodbye before starting the car. We waved again as she drove off, and I watched her little, blue car until it reached the end of the road and turned out of sight. I looked down at my right hand, down at the opal ring on my finger Bianca had insisted belonged to me, and I gave in to the need to cry.

-

My dearest, darling, Layla,

I write this letter hoping that it finds you well, and that we're together when you read it. I hope we will be sitting side by side, with Bianca, and I can tell you all the things I've wanted to tell you for almost twenty years. But, my father lived by the ethos of 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst', and as I grow older and sicker, I have to prepare for the worst and accept that we might be too late.

Layla, from the moment you came into the world, in the same room I gave birth to your mother, I have loved you. You are my first grandchild, and as soon as I set eyes on your purple, wee face, with your fist in your mouth, and looking thoroughly displeased at all the commotion before letting out an almighty cry, I felt a love for you like I hadn't known since the first time Paula was placed in my arms. I gave you your first bath, I got up at night to feed and change you so she could sleep, I spent the first year of your life looking after you like you were my own daughter. Your grandfather and I were completely bereft the day Paula moved back to Liverpool, our house seemed empty and cold, and we would always look forward to you coming to visit.

Every single day, I wish we had stopped her from taking you with her that last day we saw you. I wish we'd chased after her and convinced her to let you stay with us, because she was already past saving at that point, but you were not. It breaks my heart that we couldn't save her, and that she wouldn't let us be there for her. My dear, I can't begin to imagine all the things you went through, and I am filled with a constant regret that we didn't find you sooner and keep you safe. I hope you know that had we known Paula had died sooner, that there wouldn't have been a question of if you should come live with us. Your grandfather and I loved you oh so very much, and we missed you always. There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't talk about you, or wonder where you were and how you were doing. Even up to the last few days he was alive, we spoke about you, and he asked me to keep trying to find you. But neither one of us honestly knew where to start, that was until Bianca came into my life when she turned eighteen. She has been a blessing, and she has eased the pain of losing your mother, your grandfather, and you.

However, other than some clues as to where you were that led nowhere, the search seems hopeless. I can at this point only hope you are having a good and happy life. I hope you are loved, and surrounded by good people who care for you and support you. I pray that all the things you went through haven't held you back, and I hope you know that you still have family who love you, and miss you. I also hope you know that Paula loved you very, very much, that she never regretted having you or keeping you, and that the choices she made were because she was scared and lonely. I had reached a point where I felt like I didn't know my own daughter anymore, she had become unrecognisable in her appearance and her behaviour, but I always knew that she loved you more than anything. Or at least, I have to tell myself that, because otherwise the anger towards her becomes so overwhelming that my heart breaks all over again. The daughter I knew, the one who tucked her teddies and dolls into bed at night, the one who sobbed for a solid hour after watching 'Bambi', she could never do the things she ended up doing. She cried with joy the first time she held you, and I can't allow myself to believe that anyone who wasn't lost to sickness would put you in the harm that she did. She loved you both, Layla, she truly did. I only wish she had made better choices in her life so you both knew for certain that she did.