Open to possibilities

Chapter 42

Amelia POV

"DON'T GO!" I scream to Allison and a soft beeping sound makes me relax.
"Congratulations Doctor Shepherd,you got her back"
"No time to celebrate" I say holding back my tears and looking up to gallery just to see a very pale and terrified Owen "we need to finish here so we can stabilize her. Her body has been through too much today,let's not take unnecessary risks now" I say working the fastest that I could.
"Okay done" I say once I placed my last stitch "let's take her up to the PICU" and taking off my gown I say "great job everyone. Thank you. I invite you to hug your children,tonight. Being parent is a gift and sometimes we forget how lucky we are" in fact,in my mind there just one thought: my children. I need to hug them and inhale their precious scent,I need to love them even more fiercely than I have ever done until today.

As I scrub out the door opens and Owen hugs me,tightly. "Thank you,Amelia...thank you! I....she...." and I know what he wants to say "I know,Owen. She scared the hell out of me in there,too" I let out a sigh "she scared me".
"Amelia,there is still one thing I would love to tell you: I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I didn't even try to understand you back then. With the baby thing. What you said to Allison made me realize how mean I'd been to you. Thank you,for protecting me from that pain...you are special to me and to Allison too"
"Owen,it's fine...listen,I forgive you...I forgave you 6 years ago. Go see your daughter,she must be waiting for you"
"Are you staying?" He asks me
"Until she wakes up,yes" I smile and he leaves.
I feel tired,I feel like I'm passing out and I need to sleep but I can't. I have to write the review of the surgery and then check on Ali.

Entering Ali's room I spot Owen sitting on her bed
"Hey...still nothing?" I whisper to him
"Still nothing...Amelia are you su..."
"I'm sure,Owen. Give her time" I say taking a seat on the chair next to her bed "her neurological check up looks definitely normal" and he lets out a sigh of relief.
And then,I feel the sudden urge to tell him the whole story "I owe you an explanation. You don't have the whole picture so you are legitimately thinking that I was some kind of a monster who didn't want kids with you. I wanted them,Owen...so freaking much...it's just that I was too scared" I begin.
"I know,now I know...you don't have to"
"I have to. There was this man,the one who made me feel all the good things about being in love...or at least,it is what I felt back then. I don't know if that was true love or just the drugs that we were using. Basically,one day,when I woke up from an amazing hight I found him dead next to me. The night before we were making plans: we wanted 4 kids- 2 boys and 2 girls so nobody feels lonely,as he said- and we were ready to go to rehab but I said to him that I wanted to use the pills one last time. That was our last time with the pills but also with everything else. He was no longer with me and I lived months thinking that it'd been my fault. I went to rehab anyway and when I went out I was ready to use again because the pain I was feeling was too much. But one day,I took a pregnancy test and that was very much positive. Pregnant,Owen...that scared the hell out of me. At first I wanted to abort the baby or give him up for adoption but with the weeks passing by I realized that I wouldn't be able to do so: that was my child. That was Ryan's child. That baby was definitely a sign that my time as a drug addict had finished" I say looking at Owen smiling softly as the memories are coming to my mind again "Addison convinced me to do an ultrasound because that would have helped me to understand how real my baby was so I gave in and did the test. She said to me that he was a boy and I couldn't be happier or more in love than that...but then she turned away the screen from me as terror came to her face. Anencephaly. That was his diagnosis" and I look up again to Owen and I see how emotional he is now "I'm a neurosurgeon and my baby didn't have a brain. I felt numb for weeks hoping that she was wrong but she was not. It's true when they say that the moment you become a mother you lose your rational thinking. That happened to me too. When the baby started kicking,I went around like a crazy person asking for 'second opinions' here and there. It was hard,Owen, to the point that it almost killed me. I was in love with a baby that was going to die even though nobody could tell me when: it could have happened during the pregnancy,during birth or after birth. I prayed,Owen. I asked for some time with him. I needed to tell him how much I was in love. I needed to feel like I was a mother. And when it was time,my entire world started to fall on me. That day was supposed to be the best day of my life and I was terrified not by the pain but by the realization that my baby wasn't going to be with me for a long time. It was painful,physically and mentally. I didn't want to see him at first but when he came, the only thing that I wanted was holding him and never let him go. Addison put him in my arms and my shield fell down: I was crying contemplating the perfection of that little human. He was such a beautiful baby even though the majority of people would have thought he was just a lost cause. He was my everything,the reason why I fought so hard against myself and my addiction. I donated his organs. I felt horribly at the beginning but one day I met a baby who received his heart: the mother let me listen to the sound of her daughter's heart and that feeling of guilt went away. That kid was alive because of my son's life. My son was an hero; even if he lived just for 43 minutes he did so much more than most of the people on this planet could do in a lifetime. And I feel blessed. Blessed because I was the one who had the honor to carry him and give him to the world. This is my story,Owen. This is why I was afraid to get pregnant or even try with another baby." And between the tears that are freely rolling down my cheeks I smile at him. Owen takes my hand and says to me "I...I'm so damn proud of you,Amelia. You should be proud of yourself too. I can't imagine what it was like..."
"I know...I wanted to tell you the truth,though. I needed my closure on this chapter too"
Suddenly a weak voice calls me " 'Melia?"
We jump on our feet instantly rushing next to Allison's face and as I caress her cheek I gently whisper her "hi princess,how do you feel?"
"It hurts" she says pointing to her head
"I know,sweetie. I'll go call your favorite nurse so she can give you something to sleep well,okay?" I smile heading to the door.
" 'Melia?" She calls me
"Yes,darling" I answer turning around
"I wish you were my mom too" and I smile to her feeling terribly emotional knowing she was referring to Chris.
"I wish you were my kid too" and I leave the room quickly in order to not let her see that I'm crying,a lot.