Limited

[Five]

Monday 1st October 2012

Dear diary,

As I sit here writing about today’s date, I can’t stop my tears from falling down my slightly pale cheeks; leaving small circles of wetness on the pages of this diary.

Thomas is asleep right now, I can hear his faint snores, which tells me that he is extremely tired. To be honest, after yesterday’s date, and today’s date, I’m completely exhausted too.

I’m glad that he’s asleep, because I don’t want him to see me cry. My crying would only hurt him so much more.

Yesterday’s date was so amazing, and made me extremely happy, but now, sitting here alone in the dim light, I’m plagued with thoughts of what is coming.

I only have four days left to live. Not only is that the most scary feeling, but it’s also the most upsetting.

I’m a good person, I got great grades in school, and I spent my time helping others. No one deserved to have this fate thrust upon them, but I can’t help but think, why me?

What did I do so wrong that made me have to suffer through this in these past three years; never being able to be a normal everyday teenager; always having to go to the hospital for various treatments, and appointments instead of going to parties and having sleepovers, having to fill my body with a wide range of medications, that didn’t even make a difference in the end. I was still dying, so what was the point in any of it.

The only thing that was worth living for was my family.

If I could just live through this, and live a long, happy life with them, I would be happy. Even if I had to live with the cancer forever, I could deal with that, as long as I had them with me.

I’m so scared to leave Thomas here. I know he isn’t alone, and has a ton of support, but I know it will be hard for him. I’m also scared for myself. I didn’t know where I was going to go when I died, and the thought of being alone scared the hell out of me. The thought of never seeing him again tore through me like a bullet straight through my heart.

For now, though, I was trying my best to be happy, and not think about it, and so was Thomas.

He was trying to make my last two weeks amazing, and he was doing a great job. Whenever he was with me, I got so distracted that it was easy to relax, and forget it for a little while.

Today’s date was absolutely beautiful. It reminded me of how much Thomas payed attention to me, and to what I said. He truly did love me, and I was about to lose him.

Unlike yesterday, he was here when I woke up, and it was great to see his beautiful face first thing. He was just sitting there staring at me with those comforting green eyes of his.

We lay there, just cuddling for an hour or two, which was awesome. We don’t have much time left together, and the quiet, slow moments like this were absolutely wonderful. Time was going so fast, and it was good to go at a snail’s pace every once in a while.

Whenever I looked at him, I wanted to freeze time, and stay like that forever. I knew that could never happen, though, so I soaked in, and memorised every detail of his face. I didn’t need to memorise him by heart, because I already knew him that way.

His eyes showed his immense kindness, and care. I would get lost in them for hours, and hours.

By the time it was time to leave for the date, I had been staring at him for two hours straight.