Learning To Fly

Jaime listens

Marshall is so frustrated, he prowls the warm water trying to get me but eventually I let him catch me and he cages me with his arms against the side of the pool before kissing me passionately.
“Hey Jaime can I ask you something?” he looks nervously at me waiting for my response “Sure you can” I smile trying to reassure him a little with whatever is going through his beautiful crazy chaotic mind.

“I was wondering would it be OK if we didn’t fuck, if we tried it another way?” he’s so fucking cryptic right now but I swear if he lays anal at my door, he’s getting a kick to the nuts.

“Umm I’d like to do it slower, take my time if I can. Maybe put some feeling into it” then he goes bright red and gets his cocky attitude back to hide what he really wants.
“I mean, ya know like that slow shit or I can just fuck your brains out, whatever! just forget I asked!”

I try to hide the smile that wants to grace my face because he’s trying to talk himself out of whatever he wanted, he’s too embarrassed to ask or outright tell me he has feelings for me but reading between the lines of everything he’s said tonight I think he’s beginning to feel things that he hasn’t done in years and every bone in my body tells me to tread very carefully.

“Marshall, stop with the bravado. We can do it slowly if you like but I want you to lead me” he nods before releasing me, telling me to wait while he goes and gets us some towels so we don’t catch hypothermia exiting the pool.

Once I’m out of the pool and shivering, I’m wrapped in a large thick towel and dragged back into the house.
Marshall has a fire lit in his den and I sit in front of it waiting for the Hot chocolate he’s gone to make, aware that he’s now avoiding me a little. I guess he’s working something out in his head so I leave him be and carry on warming myself and drying in front of the heat.

“Swimming was fun” he disturbs my gazing into the flames and thinking about nothing, he gets a slow smile in response.
He sits on the floor next to me, both of us silent while we drink our drinks. I’m thinking about whatever his version of slowly is. I’m guessing he’s thinking about making love but I could be doing him a massive disservice and he’s just worried I won’t like whatever he wants to do.

Oh my god I’m way over thinking this and the only way to stop that is to ask but then I’m not treading carefully. I ask anyway.

“Marshall what’s your definition of making love?” I ask him softly already regretting the words the second they've left my mouth. He freezes beside me, picking at the skin on his hand before he coughs, clearing his throat to speak.

“Umm its rose petals and candles and doing it slow!” he sounds very unconfident with his answer, none of his usual bluster but I can’t laugh at him because in all seriousness I think sixty per cent of the male population probably have the same idea, he’s had no one to put him right. Show him.

“OK, do you want to hear my definition of making love?” I’m weary of saying it because I know some of the words I’m going to use will make him really uncomfortable. I wait patiently for him to answer.

“Yes please Jay”

I drag in a deep breath of air before I start “first of all, I don’t think I’ve ever made love to anyone before” his eyes widen “not even tiny silver heart guy? You were going to marry that dumb fuck!”

He looks astounded and he makes me giggle “No, not even Joe. Sex is such a simple act, so simple that even the animals do it” he interrupts me to tell me that dogs invented the best position in the world and he would be forever grateful for doggy style. I let him carry on telling me the benefits of what I now know to be his favorite position and laugh, glad he’s lightening the atmosphere a little.

“I think lovemaking is an expression of love, its a way of telling someone you love them without using words. It’s about intimacy and not being scared to feel that and express that to another soul.
It’s not goal orientated, orgasms aren’t important, its about becoming one, mind and body.
Rather than letting your body dictate your actions or movements you let your feelings take over and that’s what I think, I know it’s long winded” Marshall stares at the flickering flames for what feels like an eternity before speaking.

“I want to say things to you but it makes me feel vulnerable to say them, I’m not quite there yet Jay. I understand your definition. No mention of Rose petals and candles though?” he raises his eyebrows at me and smirks. I pinch the skin lightly on his arm and he laughs “Please don’t get bored of waiting for me” he’s being so sincere that I just reach over and hug him as tightly as I can. I can’t speak because tears prick at my eyes and they'll fall for certain.
I want him so badly to lose his fear of intimacy for his benefit and also for what I think we could eventually become together.