Worthy

Worth

Sometimes love is not enough.

Those words had been ringing in my head.

As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words. And it is true, trust me, I would know.

I loved someone. I loved them with all of my heart. And they loved me too. Well, atleast that is what they told me. And I believed the words that came out of their mouth. I tried my best to believe those sweet words. Those words were like honey, they were smooth, sweet. Those words were my blanket—a soft, warm blanket.
I felt safe in them, wrapped myself in them, smothered myself in them. I loved hearing them.

After a while, I did not feel safe in that blanket. I doubted those words.

Their mouth said that they loved me, but their actions—oh, their actions told me that I was a fool to believe such words. And I was a fool, because I still relished in those words. I was stupid enough to believe that words were enough. I was stupid enough to believe that the 'love' was enough.

I wanted to be loved. And I did anything I could to get that love. And I was happy with such a worthless love. I was content with having someone who loved me.

I ruined myself for a worthless love.

A fool.

I was the biggest fool I knew.

I wish I had known that loving was better than being loved.

I wished that I had known that if I loved myself then I would not crave a love. I wouldn't be desperate enough for a worthless love. I wished that I had know that if I loved myself then I would see the love that is all around me.

I would not need validation from a useless love. A love that turned into hatred.

My love became hatred. I was filled with a deep rage once I figured out that I had wasted my time on such a worthless love.

I doubted love. I started to not believe in love. 

Love was the reason I woke up, smiled, looked alive, but soon, it became the reason why I stayed in bed. The reason I cried every night. Love became the reason why I was empty.

And do you know what hurts and angers me the most?

I loved this person, I gave them all of me. When they doubted my love, I would show them that I truly loved them. I was doing it for love. Everything I did was to prove to this person that I loved them and that I was worthy to receive their love.

I became a puppet in their control. I did their bidding, as long as they loved me in return. All I wanted was to be their world, just as they were mine.

I had heard that love makes people do strange and crazy things. Never had I thought that I would be one of those people.

I had let myself become nothing for love.

I could not even recognise myself. I had lost myself in what I thought was love.

A fool.

I should have became worthy for myself, not for someone else, because once this person deprived me of their love, I no longer saw myself worthy.

A fool.

Can you believe that I thought I was the problem?

Lonely.

Worthless.

Undeserving.

I went through my days believing that those words defined me. That I was only deserving of that.

All I wanted was to be loved.

One person.

I was insecure enough to let one person define me.

The thing about love is that, it is powerful and dangerous. Love is something not to be played with. Love has the power to build or destroy. Love has the power to break or make someone. Love can be bitter as much as it is sweet. Love can be the one thing we all crave for—all we think we need to survive—or it can be the one thing we all come to hate. Love is as kind as it is brutal. Love spares no one.

I was weak. I needed constant validation from a person who could only offer me their most worthless asset.

I wish I had known. I wish I had known from the beginning that I deserved better.

All I wanted was to be loved, you have got to believe me.

I was desperate enough to be content with a love so worthless, as long as I felt loved and validated.

People warned me, you know. They warned me that this person was not good for me. I was told that I did not deserve the minimum.

And I told all of them that I was loved. I told them that this person said they loved me and that it was enough.

I should have known. I could not even say that this person showed me that they loved me. Said.

That love was not enough.

I know that now. It makes me sad that something I had so strongly believed in was not enough.

I wish that I had listened.

A fool.

A fool is what I was.

I was an insecure, weak fool. A fool who thought that they were not worthy of all things good.

I am glad I realised that it is not true. I am glad that I realised that my worth was not for someone else to decide, but for me.

I am glad that I realised that I am worthy of all things great and good.

I am glad that I have realised that I do not need someone to offer me the world. I could do that myself just fine.

I am glad to have realised that loving, especially loving yourself, was better than to be loved. Because once you start loving, you become aware of how loved you are. The love that I am given might not be the one that I want, but it is a love that I deserve.

And I know that one day, one day, I will get the love that I deserve:

A love that shows and does not just tell.