Share Something You Struggle With
Something that I've always struggled with is my body. And generally one would think just weight or stretch marks and they'd be right. And also wrong.
When I say my body I mean everything associated with it; my emotions, moods, weight fluctuations, scars, stretch marks, menstruation and grooming.
One big struggle is my weight. I've consistently lost weight and gained weight since I was 13. It has fluctuated in an almost uncontrolled way, I eat right and exercise but stop for a month or more and not only have I softened my muscles but has gained 10-15 pounds in the process. And in my family having a large weight gain opened you up to mortifications and embarrassing quips from my mother, father and brother. And until I lose weight again, the comments won't stop, the taunts and teasing continues until I shrink again. It's an endless and vicious cycle.
Alongside weight gain, my stretch marks have been tough to deal with. This past year I have acquired bigger and thicker stretch marks on my hips and thighs. But looking at them or catching a glimpse of them in the mirror doesn't bother me like it would've 4 years ago. They're apart of me and they mark a stage in my life of what I had been going through, what I had accomplished and what obstacles I had faced. I like to think of them as road markers, signifying the different weaves and bends my body is traveling on.
For the last 2 years I've been roughly dealing with anxiety. At the time I just thought I was severely nervous in a fair amount of situations I was in, but realized the root of it when I recognized the behaviors I was exhibiting during these episodes. Under immense stress, I noticed my hands shook, sometimes my entire body. My fingers couldn't remain still, always finding something to pick at or fidget with. My heart would race and my mouth would run dry no matter how much water I had consumed.
My rosacea became worse and I wasn't sleeping. In the middle of the night I'd jolt awake and immediately began worrying about things I needed to do, things that required my attention and that meant I couldn't go back to sleep. Recently with the recommendation from my very good friend, I'll call him N, I've started meditating. At first it was difficult to center myself and not think so much but as I continue with the sessions, it's becoming easier and I find myself looking forward to a session. It's also allowed me to sleep better and quiet the racing thoughts I typically have at least 5 times a day.
I wouldn't necessarily say that all the things that have happened or is happening is a struggle, more of an uphill trudge with a ball and chain that consists of all these things I have to deal with. It's difficult and hard but I'm still making my way up that hill, little by little I'm still making progress.
