Flame Of The Gamer

Done

Don't be such a useless person.

Don't be different from others, be normal.

A perpetual liar.

You don't have friends.

I don't know anymore.

I really don't know any other reasons for me to keep living.

If I'm such a useless person

If I'm such a worthless person

If I'm such a burdensome person

If I'm such a troublesome person

If I'm such a stupid person

If I'm not a normal person

If I'm someone with no achievements to be proud of

If I'm such an average person— or maybe I'm lower than that...

If I'm someone that no one would ever want to be with me, to be friends with me, to be by my side as I'm that much of a burdensome existence.

What's the fucking point?

You kept comparing me with the bastard of a mom and I kept telling you that I won't be like her no matter what as I despise her till the core.

But you kept bringing it up, every time I made a mistake.

You said you didn't have faith that I would turn out like her.

But you did.

And I'm sorry that I'm my mother's child.

I'm sorry that you had to take care of me as I was such a devil to you.

I was such a mediocre student that you said I made no effort in my studies, unable to achieve the results you wish to see just like the ones you see with your prodigy of children.

I told you my interest. You shot it down, told me to be realistic.

Would it kill you to even support my interest and explain to me later?

Maybe it would, because what? You said I have Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), so it would be short-lifted.

Just like this feeling of depression within me, it would be short-lifted. There was no way I was depressed, that's what you said to me.

You were scared that I mixed with bad friends just like my mother. But did you even made the effort to know my friends before you judged them?

You allowed your children to go to their friends house and for their friend's to come to your house.

When I told you that one of my friend wanted to arranged dinner for both sides to know each other, you told me to lie to them and said you didn't have time.

You said that I have no friends in school for the person I am. But did you know, I actually did?

When the teacher wanted me to be part of the counsellor club and be her personal assistant, you said no. I didn't have the leadership skills and here was no way I could be.

So are you telling me that my teacher lies about my potential and capabilities?

I have social anxiety. I was so insecure with myself that I didn't want to be in any pictures of class or family gathering if I could.

Because I thought, am I even worth remembering if all I brought was bad memories.

But then, what did you say?

You always try to be different from others, you don't have teamwork.

I'm sorry for being so insecure then.

When I asked for you to understand me. You told me to choose:

Do you want me to understand you? If you want me to understand you, sure, I can do that, but you will have to buy your own food on the table.

So I chose not to be understood because I was incapable of taking care of myself.

You told me not to create unnecessary stress, problems towards others. You said that they were willing to empathise, sympathise, understand, because I wasn't their problem.

I've committed suicide once and I've failed.

I will do it again. Either after my major exam before I go to college. Or soon.

Cause fucking damn, I've prayed god damn it, every damn day for someone to kill me, be it in a car accident or whatever it was.

When I walked down the pavement or when I crossed the road, I wished for a car to hit me.

When I'm in a building, I wish the glass beneath me break.

When I'm at the highest floor of the building, I want to jump.

When I see the sea, I wanted to drown.

But I couldn't kill myself because it was against the law and my life might still be intact.

But if it was the work of god, it would be permanent damage wouldn't it?

So for the love of God, I begged of you or anyone up there, just fulfil my damn prayers already.