Void // Billie Eilish

Twenty Two

~
Billie
~

"What most patients experience is essentially just a period. There's often severe cramping and bleeding, but not much more than that. Some women experience a period of depression and sense of loss, but that's less common," the doctor explains as I sit in my chair and fiddle with my fingers nervously while my eyebrow twitches uncontrollably.

Today's the day. I have a show in Boston tonight, but I'm currently sat in the doctors office, waiting to receive Mifeprex, which is more commonly known as the abortion pill.

I have Lexi next to me, and Finneas, my parents, Zoe, and Claudia in the waiting room. The doctor said he only wanted one other person in the room, and the second he said that I knew I wanted it to be Lexi.

"How effective is it?" I ask and keep looking down as I feel Lexi take my hand and lace our fingers together to stop me from picking at my
nails.

"Around 97%, but just in case you're in the 3% we suggest you see another doctor in a week to get another pregnancy test," he answers and I nod slightly in understanding without looking at him.

"Will I take another pill if it doesn't work?"

"No, at that point we'll do the surgical method," he informs me and I frown at the thought of that.

This better work then, because fuck that.

"Are you ready now, or do you need time?" he asks after a moment of silence, and I finally look up at him.

"I just need a moment if that's okay," I reply and he nods, giving me a soft, reassuring smile before getting up and walking out of the room.

I let out a shaky breath once the door closes and Lexi wraps her arm around me. I lean into her and close my eyes as I try to collect my thoughts. She lets me just sit in silence for a while, one of her hands coming up to play with my hair comfortingly.

"You okay?" she whispers after a while and I nod.

"Yeah, I just needed a minute," I mumble back and snuggle into her more, letting the familiar scent of light lavender and feeling of her warmth put my mind at ease.

I know that this is what's best, for not just me but for everyone involved. With that said, I can't help the part of my brain that keeps wondering 'what if?'. It's the part of my brain that swoons at the thought of having a baby to love and cherish with Lexi at my side, and it's loud. Its the part of my brain that day dreams about laying in a bed in our own apartment, with a perfect little angel resting between me and Lexi.

But there's also the logical part of my brain that knows even though I know for a fact that one day I want kids, and a lot of them, I'm not ready for a baby yet. It wouldn't be good for me, it wouldn't be good for the baby, it wouldn't be good for my relationship with Lexi, and it wouldn't be good for my career.

Things wouldn't turn out the way I'm imagining them, with a perfect relationship with Lexi and my career going on as normal even with the baby in the picture. That's just a fantasy, and I need to remember that.

One day I'll have all of that and more.

One day.

With that thought, I pull back slightly so I can look at Lexi. I find her looking down at me with love and care in her eyes, a look reserved just for me. I love that look.