10 Days Before I Meet God

Meeting Senied

Three days mula nung na discharge na ako sa hospital because I begged them to stay home than in the hospital.

My summer becomes hopeful and meaningful. I spend my days with my family, my one and only true friend, Angel, to my boyfriend Seven and to my God. Every Sunday, I go to church and serve God. Though I am certain and strong on my faith, but I feel strange.

I met a girl named Senied. I always see her at the skatepark on my way home. Minsan may mga kasama siya pero kadalasan mag-isa siyang nagii-skate boarding. There was a time na concious ako. Seems like I have the urge to talk to her. Plano ko ring bigyan siya ng flyers sa worship gig namin ngayong sabado at magbabasakali na interesado siya.

" Hi." bati ko. Tumingin siya sa gawi ko ngunit dinedma naman ako agad. Nagpatuloy lang siya sa ginagawa niya and I have to wait for her to stop. She's wearing jeans and t-shirt with flat-soled shoes and a ponytail. Nang napagod na ito, agad naman akong nilagpasan at tinalikuran.

"Do you want to meet God?" All of a sudden, natanong ko yan. I don't know why and I don't  know what I am thinking. I'm pretty sure she's not interested and I was right. Napahinto siya at hinarap ako. I can saw darkness in her eyes. Kaya siguro gusto ko siyang makausap kasi kailangan niya ng tulong at nakikita ko mismo sa mga mata niya.

"I have no God after the day he left me. He doesn't exist." tatalikuran niya na sana ako. Agad ko naman siyang sinagot. "You're wrong. He never leave you. You were just blind. He's everywhere and he is with you all the time. He appears in such small things that even with your eyes open you didn't notice. Never question his existence because he never question his love for you." But I know I told him nothing but the truth.

"No, you're wrong.." she walks towards me. Ngayon napalitan ng lungkot ang mga mata niya. I can feel that she's in state of devastation. She's acting like a strong person but she couldn't deny how weak she is by looking at her eyes.

"If he loves me, then why do I have to die? Bakit ako pa na buong buhay ko siyang sinamba at minahal? Bakit ako pa? Bakit hindi na lang ang mga adik sa kanto? Deserve ko ba 'to? Ikaw, bakit hindi ka niya kayang tulongan? Your spiritual life at this time is looking good on the outside, but your relationship with God on the inside is not." she left me with those words eating my hopes left in me. Sa lahat ng sinabi niya, isang pangungusap lang ang tumatak sa isip ko.

Deserve ko ba 'to?

Ilang araw kong inintindi ang lahat. Nawala ako sa plano ko. Spend with my family, my only one true friend, my boyfriend and God. I stayed inside my room, talking to no one, starring out my window and losing my faith to God slowly. I have ask him again.

"Why me? Why is it me have to suffer?"
Because this time I couldn't barely understand his plans and purposes. I didn't imagine talking with Senied will change me. Yesterday I was full of hope, but today they were all gone. What will be tomorrow?

"Abby.. Kailangan na nating pumunta sa worship gig. Absent ka pa naman last time. Nasa baba narin si Seven at Angel." My mother loves God so much that I don't deserve to be her child. I can't remember when was her last time having second thoughts to her faith.

"I'll wait you outside, please. For him." I heard the door closing. That was the first time she closed the door with a heavy heart.  And that was the first time my mother had to beg me for God.

They left without me but Seven stayed with me.

"Bakit ka na naman nagkaganyan Abby?Akala ko ba hinding-hindi mo na siya tatalikuran?"tanong ni Seven. Nasa sala lang kami nanunuod ng palabas sa tv. Nakaupo ako sa dulo ng couch habang siya ay nasa kabilang dulo rin.

"Can you stop ranting about it? I didn't ask you to stay! Ba't hindi ka nalang pumunta roon?" nagalit ako sa tanong niya. Nagalit ako di dahil sa kanya kundi dahil sa katotohanang tinalikuran ko na sya.

"You're unbelievable. We worship him together and I stay here because I love you, I care for you. I stay kasi gusto ko di gaya ng ginawa mo sa kanya." I looked away and didn't look at hin again. Pero rinig na rinig ko ang hikbi niya. He was crying and hurting because he couldn't believe I casted our God.

"We're fighting for you. Can you fight for yourself too?" Hindi ako nagsalita. And I couldn't hear any sounds. I know he is still looking at me with those teary eyes that I am afraid to see. He is waiting for my answer and so God waiting for my apologies.

"How can I fight when I already lose the fight before it all start?" I left and went upstairs straight to my room. 

The gift of tongue is an experience which requires us to surrender our minds and thoughts to the Holy Spirit. It allows God to change and mould us in whatever way He wants, thus enabling our spiritual journey to grow and blossom.

I once received the gift of tongue but I forgot all of it when my faith became unstable.