alone

one

slamming the front door shut behind me to escape a large pot being thrown at me was not how i wanted to start my morning. in fact, i wanted to actually have a nice morning, but that wasn't easy. i looked behind me at the dilapidated porch. the white paint on the posts was chipping off, and the blue siding was stained brown with dirt. the porch was leaning to the side, and at this point i didn't know how it was even still standing.

i heard the door handle turn, and i made a break for it before anything could be thrown at me again. i heard yelling from the door, but i was too far away to understand it. i ran to my bus stop and barely caught the bus before it pulled away. i ignored the stares i was getting before sitting in my usual seat in the back.

i brushed my hair into my face to cover my eyes, and i turned my music volume up loud. i had a ten minute bus ride and i needed to take every minute for myself before i ended up in hell.

the bus slowed to a stop, and i stood up, slinging my bag over my shoulder. i waited for the kids in front of me to get off before i took my turn. i barely made it inside before the urge hit me. i needed it and i needed it now.

i went to homeroom and immediately asked to use the bathroom. i told the teachers that i had irritable bowel syndrome which required frequent bathroom visits, especially after meals. i ran into the closest bathroom, picking the stall on the end. this was the only door with a working lock; the other ones were too rusted to move anymore.

i dug into my bag before i found what i needed. i unwrapped it from its packaging, twisting it in my fingers. it was cold, but in my fingers it began to warm up. i pushed up my sleeves to expose my arm. i placed the sharp metal against my skin.

"pain, pain, go away..." i muttered, digging in, gently at first. the next mark was rougher than the first, making a significant impact. my tears turned red when they collided with the blood, flowing peacefully together.

i heard the door open and i jumped, the blade falling out of my hand and landing on the floor with a loud clang. i brought my knees up so no one would know i was in here. meanwhile, i stared at the blade, wishing it didn't hit the ground. if it wasn't in a public bathroom, i would just rinse it off and use it again. i didn't trust this bathroom, however, so i had to let it sit.

"hello?" someone said, and i heard a knock on the stall door.

they knocked again. "who's in there?" he asked, and i recognized the voice instantly. i didn't say anything back.

"don't make me crawl under the door and make sure you're okay." it was vic fuentes, jock of the century. the last person you wanted to confront you in the bathroom.

i didn't say anything, but i opened the door after hiding my arm beneath my sleeves. i wanted more, needed more, but i couldn't. not yet. i walked past him and washed my hands, trying to get some of the blood off before he could see. i looked at my reflection in the mirror, and i looked like a sight for sore eyes. i brushed my hair over my eyes to hide the black and blue marks all around them. my skin looked pale, more than normal. i looked in the mirror at vic, noticing his caramel skin and his perfect hair. it was shoulder length and the perfect shade of brown.

"kellin," he said, and i turned to look at him.

"you know who i am?" i said, surprised.

"kellin, your arm-" he said, and i looked down to see it hadn't stopped bleeding yet.

"shit," i muttered to myself before grabbing a paper towel and wrapping it around it. it soaked through the cheap towels that we had, so i grabbed two more.

"kellin let me see it-"

"no," i said, pulling my arm away. vic looked at me, but i wouldn't meet his eyes. i didn't want to see the disappointment, or the fake sympathy, or the fear.

"please, look at me," he said, and his voice was calm. 

"don't you have a soccer game or something?" i said, hating the way my voice was shaking. i sat on the floor in between the sinks and the closest stall. i pulled my knees up to my chest and put my head down, hoping he would go away soon. vic squatted next to me, taking my arm gently. he pushed up the sleeve, and i winced, but i didn't pull away.

he didn't say another word, but he reached into his bag and grabbed some peroxide. it bubbled up when it made contact with all of the cuts, and i winced. he wrapped a bandaged around the entirety of my arm.

"there," he said, making sure the bandage was secure. finally coming to my senses, i ripped my arm away from him and stood up. i ran out of the bathroom and down to one of the side doors, pushing it open and being met with cool air.

i leaned against the side of the building and let myself cry. i needed to get it out before i went to class. no one knew what i did. hell, i didn't think anyone knew who i was, not by name.

i heard the bell ring and knew i had missed my first class, but i didn't move. i felt stuck in place, so i stayed in that spot until i saw the buses pull up. i saw the crowd of people escape the front doors, and i merged with them to hopefully avoid vic, not that he'd be looking for me anyway. he drove to school, so there no way he'd be heading out the front doors. drivers went out the side, and they had to wait until the buses left anyway.

i secured my seat and closed my eyes, letting the music blasting through my headphones take over my thoughts. i needed this moment of bliss before i was forced back into my house for the rest of the night, and i didn't waste a single second.